The Mechanic  •  May 17th, 2014

NEW ORLEANS – Head of The DSS Cap’n Beau fiddled with his sails this year and took a vastly different approach while hosting The 2nd annual Blue Gray stickball series in New Orleans. The 2nd of many battles that pitches the arch enemy Northern York Field Stickball versus The Dirty South Stickball. “We simply couldn’t go down 0-2 with this rivalry...This was a must win for us” said The DSS Cap’n while no-rush enjoying one of 17 post-victory cocktails from The Commissioner’s Mansion on 3rd street in Central City. A far cry from Beau’s approach last year where upon flying north was keen to begin his shit talking tirade in the direction of The YFS Union. “Last year I was sitting by the window seat and Cap’n Beau kept asking me if that was The Mason-Dixon line. I knew we we’re only hovering around South Carolina, but I just told him what he wanted to hear so he could start running his jaw” said DSS star player “Silky” Sanders who made one of many outstanding catches this year, including the ball-breaking penultimate series ending grab for The South. This year Beau picked up the YFS enemy sluggers at Louis Armstrong International, kept quiet and welcomed in them in with bridled grace and tact. And from the onset began rolling out his newly prepared 180-flip humble script of “Alright...How y'all doing?...Just looking to play my game...Oh you bet...Hopefully we’ll win a few…Lord willing...Go fuck yourselves...What was that, Beau?...Oh I just said ‘Go treat yourselves’ is all...Alright…Play my game...Lord willing...”.

And after 36 hours of veiled hospitality, Beau dropped his unassuming hat-in-hand production and led the South contingent down a path to cut the North’s throat with a grinch-like smile.

The day before the much anticipated 2nd annual Blue Gray series a BP session was held at a neighboring field where the sides unofficially scouted and peacock’d to gain a mental edge going into the 3-pack of games. “The elephant in the room was that the guys were definitely looking to see who felt comfortable out there...not unlike jockin for that middle seat armrest but pretending to be getting comfortable” remarked two d-cupped coeds who began frenching and buddy-masturbating on a center field dog park bench once they realized they were within 40 ft. of the modern day Stickball legends.

The following day, the bat and ball degenerates of the YFS and DSS kicked off their 2nd series at 9 am sharp at Mid City’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Once the lines were taped down the much anticipated games got underway as both offenses would struggle. But it was The South that was able to touch up some early plate snatch with a couple triples from The ‘14 DSS Ship Champion The Diamond Cutter and The Natural as they necked out a 3-0 lead. The North struggled to adapt to the virtually non HR field and looked to downshift. “This was a learn on the job type deal” said The YFS Captain The Mechanic who’s then 18 HR YFS season lead translated into nothing more than warning track slaps as Game 1 ended with The South topping the North 3 runs to 1.

Game 2 was even more plate-stingy as the only run of the final game was an error at the foot of The North’s usually flawless player The Surgeon. “The ball came off the bat, I took one step forward and saw that it was hit deeper, maybe I thought about my x-girlfriend’s large doctor breasts who randomly appeared at the bar the night before and kept me out past curfew...Did The DSS plant her there?...I dunno. Anyhow I made a move back to set up for this routine can of corn and slipped on the grass and the ball dropped in”. The error fart-blew in The South’s runner on third and that packaged with The Southern D was all it would take as the North ran out of time and that ended the game and the series in sweep fashion in favor of The South’s DSS.

“It’s high time to have one of those Yanks wax my my balls...and my Challenger. I’m gonna soak this shit up. The South has Risen!” said an elated “Double Barrel” in a personal post game press conference from 45 Tchoup bar in the Uptown neighborhood. The South Champ went on to say that he had intended to be here at the beloved dive bar win or lose for a contracted minimum of 230 days out of the next 365.

Although the North had trouble plating runs they did hit. “Yeah they hit, They hit ‘em hard, they hit ‘em high, but when they hit ‘em anywhere within 50 ft. of us, we bagged ‘em like we were leisure-picking blackberries...Our D was on lockdown” said the relieved DSS Cap’n Beau who struggled to find his swing in the series but participated in bolstering an impeccable defensive field approach. “It’s no secret I wanted to do more at the dish, maybe that’s why I didn’t. Our guys nutted up when it counted and did what it took to even this bitch up...couldn't be happier..less of course I hit better...but we’ve covered that” said Beau from Verret’s Lounge at the after after party.

The Cobble Hill Kid was no doubt an offensive hole for The North as he all but left his swing on a Brooklyn artisanal coffee shop’s magazine rack. “I’m bummed with my results...I know i’m capable of more...maybe I should’ve fed the snake in the AM...fired a morning spliff...I’m gonna learn from this and return stronger, that’s all there is to it...” said the dejected YFS player on a layover from the Heineken lounge in Atlanta who was taking in a bevy of a connection-missing frosty beers with The Mechanic.

Once The North realized it couldn't York-style bomb it’s way out of this mess, they attempted to retool and preach a sermon of base hits in the dugout. “We’re used to changing somebody’s dirty diaper with one swing” said Soy Peligroso via Skype interview from a peyote hut on St. Charles the day after. “A huge difference down at St. Patricks Arena is the field is all about triples and singles...and with the wind it was tough...we honestly needed just one extra dishrag-whore ball to drop and we felt like we could of built a fucking skyscraper out of it” continued Soy. 

That might be true but nobody will ever know. What we do know is The South wasn’t handing out any Hickory Farms gift baskets in the outfield. Every shot that looked like it had a chance to fall for The Union was met with iron clad Southern D who made sure the opposition gained not a single ounce of momentum.

“We never gave up, but when Silky made that amazing catch off The Surgeon in left to make it two outs in game 2 in the 9th, I don’t know if anybody saw it, but I pulled down my shorts on the pitcher’s mound and bike-pumped a small canister of crushed glass and vinegar straight down my cock hole. We were gutted. And anybody who knows me, knows that’s my go-to when our team’s down” said The Mechanic via Text interview upon arriving back in Hoboken. 

All the YFS players can do now is get comfortable in their brand new 365 day leased mental shit-filled station wagon where all 5 Union players need to buckle up, face-waft the wretched smell of defeat and do nothing but think about what they could of done differently.

Next year’s Blue Gray game is set for spring 2015 at York Field (date TBD) when The South will return to Brooklyn for a best of 3 series. And what the nation is already coining ‘The Blue Gray Tres La Goma’. A mariachi band will play prior to first pitch only because The YFS decided to employee a “Tres” instead of “3” or a shitwad roman numeral like the National Football League.

G1; N: 1, S: 3
G2; S: 1, N: 0

The DSS Southern Champs are; The Diamond Cutter Slie, Silky Sanders, Robb Natural, Double Barrell and Cap’n Beau.
The YFS North Losers are; The Mechanic, Soy Peligroso, The Cobble Hill Kid, Dom The Deal and The Surgeon.

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