2018 TOP 5 YFS DIPSHIT POWER RANKINGS

The Minister • September 15th, 2018

HOBOKEN – The YFS is on record as a registered character-first stickball league and at this time of the year has a firm handle on which esteemed idiots have their asses parked in the high thrones at the YFS. After 10 years, all involved with this push know full well that our nothing has matured and become everything while others who promised us something were really holding nothing in comparison. So we're asking who is most all-in for high fuckoffery’s big win? The sluggers on this list explore the deep open spirit waters mind-issued by the YFS and make gameday extra special out at the yard within their respective Chapters. They stir the big chalice of glory drink that is the YFS. To land your balls in the top 5 here is to be a selfless contributor of original character and style. With some Chapters kicking tires on opening day this weekend and others on the doorsteps of their Fall Classic World Championships, here are your top 5 YFS Dipshits for 2018.

1. KATFISH GLOBAL
Chapter: New Orleans (DSS)
Home Ballpark: PF CHANG SUPERDOME
Years in the league: 5

You can’t have a modern day stickball dumbfuck roundtable without mentioning KATFISH GLOBAL 75,972 times. This Bywater resident buys one-way tickets to YFS away games with zero idea on how he’ll get home. KG travels with an assortment of swap-out game day getups, miscellaneous garb and will shave your head in the dugout if that’s what you need to get out of a hitting slump. One-off tour jackets with his name in duct tape have been made in his honor. When he moves with his lady to Joshua Tree in a couple months he’ll drive 5 hours to YFSLA’s Airfield and put on a show. The kid is all out. His attitude towards the game is infectious and he does it all with a smile as wide as the Pacific Ocean. He tatted ‘DSS’ on his hand along with 2 others dipsticks who call themselves the Bywater Bois. He won his first World Championship in year 4 in NOLA but even if he can’t get a hit on gameday he’ll consistently deploy grand slams at the bar and in your dugout. He broke into the coveted YFS Series 1 Playing Cards this year with a Joker appearance and his accolades and folklore range from pile-high to endless. KG plays with style, swerve and will gladly buy you a beer win or lose. He is the modern day stickball gold standard and you can’t ignore his commitment and positive impact on gameday and the YFS community at large.

2. STINKMITT
Chapter: Brooklyn
Home ballpark: YORK FIELD
Years in the league: 4

When Stinky washed up on East River shores of the BK Mothership Chapter in late 2014 they had no idea what they found amongst the needles, empty collectible Pepsi cans and used condoms. This SoCal born super dummy entered the league with his first full season in 2015 by keeping his head down, showing up with a cooler of Tallboys perfectly chilled with his signature Tom Kha Gai discarded container ice block®. Stinkmitt has since emerged and kept the YFS stockholders more than pleased with steady quarterly dipshit growth with no slowdown in sight. Stinks does nothing and it’s something. His dipshit meter readout is so high that his strikeouts are on the spirit level of others back to back homeruns. His existence in your dugout is enough to make the dismalest of days feel like a breezy pantsless beach stroll at Turks and Caicos. He’s the proud owner of a Local Boy joint custom spray-painted white jumpsuit that graces the phrase “Easy-Gas”. Stinky was scheduled to take his beautiful wife Stephanie and 8 month Baby cub Sonny to this year’s Blue Gray VI in New Orleans. Then the schedule got shuffled. He's still attempting to attend both. A 3 time Take-It-Ease All American, a saint, a friend and a golden-dipped dumbfuck. Stinkmitt in short, is one of the league’s finest fuckarounds. He will grace your town, come for dinner, do the dishes and then salsa with your Nonna. Sir Stinks has his YFS chips all in and bleeds the SRLD down to the screws. A giver of sud and spirit and author to the YFS time-saving and patented single 6 beer bar order…a Suds Of Excitement – AKA an SOE.

3. BIG SEXY
Chapter: Brooklyn
Home ballpark: YORK FIELD
Years in the League: 3

This dashing scumbag jumps into the number 3 spot this for 2018 with a gameday gutter style never before seen in the league. He may be in his late 20s but we’re convinced he’s only a year away from owning a lazy boy and routinely throwing a work boot at his 32” Zenith TV console for better picture quality. In 2018, Big Sex’s YFS passport was stamped with travel games in NOLA and Rose City. He is also reference-credited with the 2017 NOLA World Champion Funk, AKA Sugar, who helped pull it down for the number 1 ranked Chapter in the league on only a 4 player roster. He drains his postgame tallboys with one forearm placed high above the urinal. Sex’s game day outfits vary but one of his top choices combos pre-stained Kohls bargain sweats with black Forever 21 plus-size tank tops and finishes the canopy off with a YFS snapback. It’s a messy flow of colossal proportions but somehow he puts it all together makes it work beautifully. The kid straight dazzles at the plate and in the field. HQ doesn’t expect to see much change in his Dipshitting but when you’re sitting on pocket aces like Sex you don’t need to do much other than rsvp IN, show up, and then let the beautiful decline take hold. In Sex’s case the more it all goes down, the more it all goes up. Dipshitting never looked this effortless and sexy.

4. MONK
Chapter: New Orleans (DSS)
Home Ballpark: PF CHANG SUPERDOME
Years in the league: 4

It’s no secret that our outlier chapter the DSS and their new main sponsor PF Changs keeps a fairly tight dim sum bamboo lid on their players, stats, recaps and general goings on. But the YFS spawn of the equal parts character, dumbfuck and athlete is above all of us and so strong it cannot be truly claimed by another despite valiant attempts. New Orlean’s Monk is straight legit and grabs the 4 spot here for 2018. Winner of The D-Lo brass balls award, Monk always finds a way to let the dipshittery shine even if he can’t take the field. With a torn achilles in 2016, instead of sitting home he mashed a Penn onto his bat for a walking cane and still came out with knee brace, ran his mouth and played a part despite his inability to get in the lineup. Monk simply refuses to not be a part of the game. The new dad catches fly balls with a technique he calls “titty-fucking” – his words not ours – where he claps his hands and then brings the fly ball in with the help of the red shirted mammaries. We’d be hard pressed to find guy in the league that has taken on more adversary but doubled down on spirit and vigor and came out on top. He has the heart of a lion, loves the game and we can’t wait to see what this polished idiot can accomplish next.

5. DAISY CUTTER
Chapter: Seattle
Home ballpark: JET CITY ARENA
Years in the league: 2.5

We’re not sure how much shit this dude has packed in his hanger down in the South Sound but from what we’ve seen, Daisy Cutter has cars, trucks, motorcycles, pop-up tents, hibachis, smokers, smokehouses, leaf blowers, deck mowers, fold out stadium seating and trailers and and won’t hesitate to push them at max capacity if it means the highest of YFS glory and experience for all who are dumb enough to show up on gameday. And if he doesn’t have it we have no doubt he can get it. Evidence of Daisy Cutter’s above average dipshitting efforts go back to the early days of Jet City when he brought a deck mower to trim up the infield bush for the initial JCA setup. In 2018, he traveled with side kick, the Landmine, to play away games at the Winter Classic 3.2 in Paterson NJ with the Brooklyn set and has routinely poked down the I-5 to lock ‘em up with the prospect chapter Portland to keep the YFS NW spirit live as fuck. He flash-taunts snaps of a 25’  motorhome and asks “Who wants a piece of Jet City, bitches?” His gameday dual switch is equal parts listener and loud shit talker and wraps it all up with deep drinking skills which has him grabbing the final dipshit spot this year. And we think we’re only seeing the beginnings of this 5-tool Dumbfuck.


DIPSHITS TO WATCH…

Big Trip (Rose City)
This walk-on Rose City slugger rolls into games looking like Ethan Hawke needing a shower but cleans up by taking HR glory baths and currently leads the budding prospect Chapter with 28 jah-dings.

The Well Fed Man (Jet City)
The double-black gloved 2017 Champ and beautiful fuckaround has got a custom made leather stickball sheath with backstrap for his custom painted BQE Bomber II named ROI. WFM stepped up and took the lead on beat writer duties when the Chapter was on cock-soggy fumes from HQ and has helped make it one of the marquee stops in the league.

Aye Caramba (NOLA)
Another Bywater Boi with a DSS hand tat. AC made the pilgrimage to Brooklyn for Blue Gray V and got his head shaved in a dugout by KG. The kid is an animal. Always out scouting, lurking and geo-tagging for future YFS fields.

Country Club (Los Angeles)
The shoulder-clad sweater resident and Tinseltown fun boy made his mark with his game day post pitch dance moves after hurling a cherry bomb to EZ UP in the 300+ view Instagram hit “It’s so EZ” courtesy of RawDog. It's easy to see why the YFS HQ binos are on him.

EZ-Up (Los Angeles)
Dipshitting never looked this easy. So-cal slugger, easy and a cruiser of your good times. Kid will make your day just by saying hello. It’s just so goddamn easy. It’s too goddamn easy. SHIT IS TOO TOO EASY.