Seadderall and The Well Fed Man • November 27th, 2019
JET CITY – After an 8 week long hiatus since the all-day marathon that was "THE Shitbox Skirmish Royale", the ornery octogenarians resurfaced from their senior living facilities, dusted off the Costco jeans, laced up their bright white New Balance sneakers and tabled the bingo games for the final tilt of the Plowboy’s Third Season…Just Say Why The Fuck Not? The Sr. Puppy Bitch hardware was removed from the championship mantle and polished up properly for this year’s winner. Customary to YFS tradition, teams were drawn by Chapter Brass earlier in the week at an undisclosed location deep in the bowels of Burien. Rumors had been circulated that the presumed kidnapped, dead or amnesia laden and lost Landmine was to find his way to the Jet City Arena??? But this titillating scuttlebutt was not confirmed by Landmine’s hetero life mate, Daisy Cutter who relied on the 5th to keep the rest of us Plowboys in the dark. Speaking of the famed Jet City Arena, the pitch was perfectly coifed by the disreputable Dontonio Bibi a full 24 hours prior to first pitch and while the PNW air was cold and crisp there wasn’t a cloud to be found in the sky for the season finale. A gaggle of Puget Sound Debs who boated in from Hood Canal were all loose in the loins with the pending excitement of the 2019 title match.
The Plowboys rolled in for the 11:05 first pitch to bags of MacD breakfast sammies and talls of Rainier's to fuel them through the excitement. A few of the alzheimers who had committed 100 days earlier didn’t show face on game day, as to be expected, alas the final match-ups consisted of the following whose memory still resides, Team Black: Landmine, Well Fed Man, Bill Being Bill Baerg and Seadderall vs. Team Red: Notorious BOP, Big Bat Bacon, Casper and Daisy Cutter. Oddsmakers from the Enumclaw Herald narrowly favored the Blacks with the injection of youthful energy provided by the infamous Landmine.
Reds took to the field and the Black Team pounced like lions with a barrage of hits in the top of the first. With the bases loaded and two outs Landmine stepped to the plate and exploded for a double scoring two runs and juicing up the Black Team. Solid defense was shown by both teams over the next two innings. BBB’s cloven hooves were snagging sure fire hits in centerfield, Landmine was dropping to his knees and securing deep drives, WFM bobbled balls but never let them hit the ground. The game broke open in the top of the 4th when with two outs and two strikes Seadderall pumped a Penn into the bush on a line for a Grand Slam giving his team a 6-0 cushion. Daisy led off the bottom of the inning with a solo shot finally awakening his team’s offense. Landmine added a solo job of his own in the 5th only to be matched by a Daisy dong once again putting the teams at 7-2 going into the 7th inning stretch. In a strategic gaffe, maybe due to being plumb out of ideas or worn down from the slog of the season, D.C. didn’t have any cannabis contraption distractions teed up for his nemeses. Daisy may still be second guessing this decision. In the top of the 8th BBBB hit a deep drive with the bases juiced providing a three run triple to add to the Red team’s woes. Those extra runs were crucial as DC added his 4th home run of the game and T-Bop added to his home run total in the late innings but couldn’t conjure up enough…final score 10-7 Black Team.
Game 2 saw the Red Team put some offense on the board early with a single run in the 1st. But Team Black was all hopped up on Championship optimism force fed to them by Bear “WFM” Bryant whose words echoed through the JCA - "Championship Mentality Boys!" - from the outfield. Landmine exploded again early (sounds like my prom night) with a Grand Salami of his own in the bottom of the 2nd. From there things got ugly for Team Red. 206 Tar Heel hit a barrage of three solo home runs over the next two innings. BBBB added his own long ball after Daisy dropped a sure fire catch into the JCA bush causing the Puget Sound Debs to burst into giddy laughter at his gaff. Headed into the top of 5 it was 10-1 Black and the Championship momentum was strong. But any YFS groupie knows that a team with Daisy Cutter on it is never out due to his super human power at the plate and his old man mind control of 206 Tar Heel. Right on cue, DC puts a couple into the bush despite some entertaining and death defying defensive efforts by Landmine, unsettling the the Blacks causing them to turn ice cold at the plate. After three scoreless innings from the Black team and 9 notorious runs added over that same span by the Reds, it was clear that the Red Team wasn't going to lose the championship 2 games to nil with a 10-10 tie headed into the 7th inning stretch. During the stretch WFM and Tar Heel connected cosmically via a pornographic peace pipe packed full of premium pot in an effort to reclaim the dominance of game 1. After two scoreless half innings the teams were still stuck at 10-10. But Black was up in the bottom of the 8th and the Well Fed Man had found personal redemption on the mound after being benched early in game 1 for pitches that could only be described as "flying pieces of shit". WFM began serving up beach balls to Blacks teammates. With two outs in the bottom of the 8th WFM, still spouting his positive energy mantra as Seadderall stepped to the plate, prognosticated that he was going to break the tie. After two suspect pitches WFM found his groove again and delivered the Penn that would find itself deep in the JCA bush…exactly as he predicted. Blacks 11 Reds 10. Going into the top of the 9th down one run the Reds put up a fight. Not ready to concede the Fall Classic they loaded up the bases with two outs for the mighty Daisy Cutter. With all eyes watching, Landmine guarded the home run line in left and 206 Tar Heel played 10 feet deep in the bush. Team Black heckled D.C. into a grounder to third thus ending the threat and leading to a champagne shower for the boys in Black! Drama over…final score 11-10.
Game 1: B:10 R:7
Game 2: B:11 R:10
HR’s: Daisy Cutter (6), 206 Tar Heel (5), Landmine (2), T-Bop (1), BBBB (1), Casper (1)