Soy Peligroso • June 6th, 2017
BROOKLYN – “It’s like Gollum’s dick out there,” muttered 8-Ball. “Grey and slippery. Makes a man wanna hole up with a rando and a box of Plan Bs.” Yes, the elements in this 9th season of Sundays have thus far been a soggy bag of excrement, fitting right in with the human-canine hybrid piles that litter the Cathedral. Yet God herself can’t dampen the spirits of a well-oiled batsman as 14 sluggers shook off the dewdrops to thwack balls, hit walls, and crack talls.
Fresh off his orgiastic F*ckstravaganza, the grunt-prone Secret Agent shocked stickball nation by cutting off his Samson-esque ponytail. As he knelt upon home plate, a naked nubile virgin suddenly appeared behind him with novelty scissors, Brutus Beefcake-style. The Agent intoned, “Like Abraham did Isaac, I hereby offer my beautiful f*cking ponytail to you, Beelzebub. May this f*cking sacrifice cure what ails my f*cking bat. Now let’s play motherf*ckers, the Meatball Shoppe is f*cking open for business.” What happened next can never be verified. Hours later, 12 men would continue to doubt their own sanity. Did they really see his eyes turn red? Did they really see his ponytail instantly grow back, even lusher than before? Did 8-Ball remember to get that virgin’s number? We’ll never know. Events might have been verified by the 13th man, Mr. Timothy Edward Machine. Sadly, he missed the whole strange episode. His last known whereabouts was in right field, drooling, eyes aimed at the Wonder Woman billboard.
The Reds swept the Blacks in a 4-game set. Season 9 rolls on this Sunday, June 11.
G1: B 3 R 6
G2: R 5 B 4
G3: B 0 R 6
G4: R 4 B 1
HRs: The Surgeon 3 (9); Stinkmitt 1 (8)
REDS: Soy Peligroso, The Surgeon, Shepard AKA Cool Rules, 8-Ball AKA 4-Dicks, El Matador, AKA The Demoralizer”, CHGHK and Time Machine
BLACKS: Stinkmitt AKA Smell Bound, Secret Agent AKA Monica Seles, Local Boy, The Magic Man, J. Cole, Rookie Travis and Rookie Nate