Big Bat Bacon • July 24th, 2019
JET CITY – In the pasture that is Jet City Arena drew together YFS Plowboys, the Dirty Southerners, and Rose City faithful for a f-nuts bender invitational. With 2 days of pre-tilt liver waterboarding, the visiting d-shits brought their best and served up their worst in an epic battle of wits, strength, and organ stamina.
Understanding his priorities, DSS Galactics apostle, Monk, left behind his young family to dredge BP oil-soaked mud from the living room floors while he and his english dandy, Jolly sauntered seersucker-suited into the Great PNW. After evangelizing the DSS in Rose City – Big Trip, Wizard, and Rookie Ammerman joined forces as Team Red against the newly dubbed Antiques Roadshow Jet City elite Black team of The Notorious BOP, BillBeingBillBaerg, Seadderal, Daisy Cutter, BigBatBacon, and Rose City Steve.
Before the first pitch, gifts were exchanged as is customary with visiting teams to the JCA. Monk humbly presented a captivating set of throwback marshmellow-core porn playing cards while Seadderal donned his own seersucker and meted out a Washington State history diatribe complimented by the sultry stylings of Perry Como's "Seattle" and boxes of market fresh apple fritters.
Game one thunder struck on pitch one to Seadderal; a deep, bush penetrating shot past Big Trip who showed no fear lunging all parts of his body into the prick filled, wet bush that surrounds the JCA. Seadderal's one ball shot looked like it would be the one and only in game one. Wizard, one handed Ammerman, and Big Trip stopped every, infrequent Black shot to extend the lead, and had their own no-no into 7 that seemed intentional.
At the stretch, things changed. Daisy "Macgyver" Cutter erected his Apollo 11 inspired Space Station Brain Melt, and like a sign for free candy and puppies, Team Red queued up wanting to get theirs first. One after the other, DC and the Blacks launched Reds into deep space, only to find that Reds' interplanetary experience was greatly underestimated. The Space Station Brain Melt served as a mere test flight as they climbed into a psilocybin rocket headed for parts unknown.
Stretch over, and now properly fueled, Monk slapped one of his infamous singles followed by another by the Ammerman. Up to the plate came Big Trip with a laser into left. BBB maneuvered his HoverRound into position to hold it to a single, but the ball took a high hop over BBB, and found the bush for a triple. Two runs, the lead, the hold, and the win: 2-1 Red.
Game 2 looked again like a Black runaway with Seadderal and DC planting their balls flush into the bush with their first at-bats. Through the entire series, both sides' defense reduced even hard cuts to quiet forgettable moments. There were, however, some noise worthy moments especially when All Star Seadderal like the Statue of Liberty silhouetted against the Blue Seattle sky, snagged another Big Trip laser, on the run, one handed - breathtaking. The quiet ended with Big Trip crushing dinger after dinger in 5, 6, 7, and 9. Only DC could deliver a response with one in 6 that seemed for a moment to be enough. Red win 5-4.
Bring on the visitors. NOLA had a glimpse of what could have been; the soft yellow, Cartier Edition Lincoln Land Yacht, if only there'd been 4 to represent. Antiques Roadshow is ready. Hats off to Rose City and DSS for bringing an excellent crew to share in JC dipshittery.
G1: R: 2, B: 1
G2: B: 4, R: 5
HRs: B. Trip: 3, D. Cutter: 1, Seadderal: 1