El Wrencher • February 3rd, 2018
PATERSON – The YFS Brooklyn Winter Classic III changed up its usual one and done format this year to a best of three to keep the slugger nipples competition-glass throughout the day. The card drawn Blacks made up of the Shepherd, Stinkmitt and the Mechanic strong-backed 20 bombs last Sunday while capitalizing on timely hitting from dugout mates Ya Jeans and Diamond en route to a relatively easy 2 games to nope tournament sweep. “We jumped on ‘em early and expected them to challenge us in the 2nd to push for a 3rd but in the end we pinned the sheets to the stickball headboard and gave ‘em the ole’ dutch oven” regaled Shep who was first on the Black squad to laser one into the bleacher seats at the storied Hinchliffe venue.
Once the real tournament glory was neatly tucked away, the ghosts of Larry Doby and Josh Gibson left through a stadium wall just as the Reds team of the Secret Agent, Large Sex, Diplomat, Rizz Everywhere and the Local Boy took to the pitch by storm in aerobics outfits and started doing perfectly in-sync power-skips, high-knees and air-punches telling everybody to…’Get excited!’ and to ‘stay with it!...that’s it...’circle left...keep it going...you got it...side to side...there you go....have fun with it...hit those home runs...now back to the right...”. “We really showed Silk City and the entire Garden State what a real team can accomplish when there’s absolutely nothing on the line” remarked The Secret Agent who neck-snapped an astounding 10 roundtrippers on the day.
“I don’t get out of bed and go to the ballpark unless there’s something victorious to hoist above my head...so after we [Blacks] swept, my ball bag transformed from a boxfresh hacky sack into two pieces of bubble gum necking on a hot canoe seat” remarked the soon to be father Stinkmitt who masterminded an early HR while avoiding the at-bat landmine tune “Do you know” by Diana Ross.
“KATFISH DON’T SURF” was tagged by the YFS in the left field bleachers sending a message to the DSS and current #1 ranked modern stickball era player whom both continue to find contentment at New Orlean’s ho-hum field St. Peppermint Patty Cathedral. Watching the DSS joyfully play there is not unlike coming across a way too enthusiastic P.F. Chang’s Yelp review. On one hand you’re happy that JoanB from Pompton Plains loves buttfucking her ginger mojitos and double order of mouthwatering asian-chicken lettuce wraps every thursday after work but on the other hand you wish she would just break out from her routine and try going somewhere a little off the beaten path.
“Hand to god I love the DSS like brothers and I would take a bullet for any one of them” said the YFS Minister from his Hoboken ranch. “...But this NOLA chapter continues to miss class where this modern stickball movement tells the world that WHERE you play is as important as the WHO and the HOW. Playing at Hinchliffe last Sunday brought this YFS field requirement scrutiny into rack focus and how important it is to the experience. The YFS has always given high praise for all other marks for the Southern boys and in many ways have taught the rest of the league how to keep it big stupid ‘n loose. And the DSS have farmed-raised some super dipshits over the years but year in and year out they come up way short in the field-of-play department. So much like the Vietcong in the movie Apocalypse Now, Katfish and the DSS boys wouldn't recognize an amazing surf break like Charlie’s point or even know what to do with a beautiful reject venue like Hinchliffe Stadium because KATFISH (AND THE DSS) DON’T (FUCKING) SURF.
“More for us” slurred the Diplomat who was getting in some well-deserved barstool winks at the Shepherd & the Knucklehead postgame gala after hitting 2 jacks and packing out record suds on the day.
Winter Classic III (Best of 3)
G1: R’s: 5, B’s: 9
G2: B’s: 7, R’s: 4
Winter Limp Dick Classic (Best of Nobody’s Counting)
G3: R’s: 20, B’s: 7
G4: B’s: 5, R’s: 13
HRs: Agent: 10, El Wrencher: 9, Large Sex: 7, Shepard: 6, Stinkmitt: 5, Local Boy: 4, Rizz E: 4, Ya Jeans: 2, Diplomat: 2
*A record high $470 was bomb-raised for Hinchcliffe bringing the grand total to $920 over 3 years for the eventual renovations. The WCIII donation was made to savingplaces.org in the name of YFS Brooklyn. Thanks to all the sluggers who came out, cracked suds and wallets and soaked up the YFS glory.
Video game recap HERE.