Soy Peligroso • October 28th, 2018
BROOKLYN – In the end, after blood-sweat-and-tear-banking a decade of suds and Sundays, the 2018 Fall Classic Championship Series was about as exciting as a gift certificate to Shoe Carnival. With both squads exhibiting textbook butthole tightness, the Oilers and Bloods squeezed out runs with the alarming irregularity of a constipated goose. By the time Game 4 had mercifully concluded, the majority of fans had long since switched over to reruns of Empty Nest. So what ailed these ale-swilling dipshits?
Pitching of course. The big stage does funny things to a man. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next you’re yipping like Rick Ankiel's Yorkshire terrier. “Forsooth these golden orbs do dash and shiver like a moonbeam! Oh glory, oh lost… what summer hath wrought, tis now but a dream,” noted a wistful Stinkmitt, Poet Laureate of the Brooklyn Mothership. As Game 1 dragged its ever-widening ass into the 12th inning, J. Cole blew a kiss to each of his 5 Sugardolls as Haddaway’s club smash What Is Love? echoed against the stadium rafters. “Did you know that love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts? True story!” Emboldened by his Snapple fact, Jack thwacked a go-ahead wall-whack to tuck Game 1 into bed.
To their credit, the Bloods bounced back with renewed vigor, snatching Game 2 in another low-scoring snoozer. But that’s all the ink they’ll get because they fucking lost the next two.
The Oiler offense finally began to awaken in Game 3 however the highlight would occur off the field. Unbeknownst to his teammates, Lenny Longballs became embroiled in a mid-game Twitter feud with sentient baby-back rib and sportswriter Jason Whitlock over LB’s tongue-in-cheek usage of a black-skinned thumbs up emoji. Mr. Whitlock accused Longballs of “blackface emoji” and demanded an immediate apology. Lenny responded with a closeup of his own asshole, a starfish of indeterminate depth, an abyssal nebula that defied racial categorization. All this while tossing perfectly arc’d meatballs to series MVP Nerf Hoops, whose 2018 would end much, much better than his 2019 began… But that’s a tale for another time.
And what of LaLanne? Silent But Dadly? The artist formerly known as The Mechanic? After an uncharacteristically quiet day, the self-styled “Lord of the Rangs” took the Prep H off ice and wiped the wheat grass from his mouth, thumping across a Game 4 roundtripper and sealing the victory against the already forgotten Bloods.
Huge congratulations go to first-time Brooklyn Champs Stinkmitt, JC5, and Nerf Hoops, and a hearty hug to 2nd-timer Lenny Longballs. Oh… and I suppose if you’re a fan of the Patriots, Yankees, and Golden State Warriors, congratulations are also due to 6-time Brooklyn Champion El Wrencher, who now owns more than half of the Brooklyn Championship hardware.
Series MVP & Rookie of the Year: Nerf Hoops
OILERS: J. Cole & the Sugardoll 5, Nerf Hoops, El Wrencher, Longballs, Stinkmitt
BLOODS: The Deal, Local Boy, Rizz Everywhere, Deadbeat, Party Boy
G1: O: 3, B: 1 (12 inn.)
G2: B: 5, O: 2
G3: O: 8, B: 4
G4: B: 0, O: 1
HRs: Nerf Hoops, 4 (7); Mechanic, 1 (45)