The Mechanic • November 4th, 2012
BROOKLYN – A new King of York has been crowned and his name is the Secret Agent. The Toms River NJ-raised Secret Agent orchestrated the biggest shot of his career last Sunday with a bottom of the 9th walk-off depth charge to lift his BLACK team to an 8-7 victory over the opposing REDS and with it became the winningest slugger in YFS history hauling in his 3rd consecutive World Series Title. Soon after the ball left the Agent’s bat, fireworks began detonating high above the hallowed York Cathedral and Brooklyn Queens Expressway marking BIG BLACK'S global domination as gunpowder-backed sparked light fell down to the field and onto the elated 2012 Champion’s G. Shotz, Local Boy, Wanderer, Mechanic and Agent. The celebration extended to the BQE commuter lanes as cars slowed and honked their horns, tears of joy and merriment rang out as dozens of tits were set free from blouses and lightweight fall-conscious sweaters showing themselves from open passenger windows. Hundreds of panties from around the world began to lightly fall from the sky like snowflakes with phone numbers and first-class airline tickets safety-pinned to each pair. The 2012 homeplate celebration became the first ever witnessed slow-motion reality that took hold of the five sluggers and their fans. “I seriously tried to jump up and down at normal speed, but it wasn’t possible” said BLACK 1 teammate the Wanderer Link who was seen cracking a semi-shook YFS commemorative Bud tall boy at 1000 fps while a Chinese lady holding 2 bags of produce clipped along at regular speed.
The newly crowned Agent earned his YFS issued “Secret Agent” moniker back in early 2010 in part to his quiet charming demeanor and soulless black underside. "Agent couldn’t-hurt-a-fly charm is why you invite that murderer into your home. He’ll show up with a plate of Pinterest-ready Triscuits topped with a variety of cheeses, sliced olives and chives and you think “Well he didn’t have to do that, but how nice, come on in”, moments later he’ll pull a high-carbon steel harpsichord wire from his suit coat pocket and choke you out ending your YFS hopes and dreams, I’m just glad the Agent was with us this year, getting the series MVP and winning it like that couldn’t of happened to a nicer dude and that walkoff was fucking huge!” said the now 2-time Champ and BLACK 1 Captain the Mechanic who was dancing on a 68 Jay St. Bar table ordering his 2nd elephant keg of Budweiser Light with extra long straws for his strict 25 cap 'tops-optional' international coed fan club.
Golf Shotz Kadin returned to form in the World Series matching his LCS HR total with yet another 8 homers–making that an astounding 16 home runs in the postseason. “He doesn’t hit like that, we most likely have a different ending, he killed it out there for us no doubt, he was just cruising and we all left him alone like a strip club patron switching to club sodas late night, lasering down to increase odds of getting 5am Russian-deep in one of those Hell’s Kitchen airbnb sublets” said the Local Boy Hobbs who came up big in the series with a leadoff 390 batting average. Shotz who annually flies in for games throughout the regular season nabs his first Championship. “This is what life can be when you hit tennis balls with a stick, drink Bud talls, rip weed and board jets. I feel fucking incredible right now” remarked the current Los Angeleno resident G. Shotz who was wearing ski goggles and showering a slew of box-fresh YSL models with champagne at the after party.
“We knew we had the lumber in the clubhouse and when The local kid Hobbs came through with that base clearing triple in Game 3, you just started feeling it, everybody was cleaning the latrines out there, it just felt like it was our time” exalted The Wanderer Link who was lying horizontal on one the after party bars getting an oil rub down by two of Gallagher’s finest eastern block representatives who were feeding him steak tips while he scotch-bonged doubles of Macallan single malt as streamers and celebration went on all around him.
“I’m just fucking jazzed to of been a part of this team, it’s a goddamn special unit. We had an edge with our hitters, but after the draw we were just sluggers on a page, like everybody else, we still had to become a demo crew, we still had to go out there and execute...being back on top feels amazing. I’m gonna enjoy every single minute of this one this one...hold on, this chick just asked me to sign her vagina” said an ecstatic Mechanic who bested his postseason bomb total with 9 jacks–hitting 3 of those in the finals.
It’s true the oddsmakers in Nevada showed BIG BLACK winning it all. But the RED squad didn’t see it that way as they showed big-game poise and acted like they were the favorites. The REDs had their shots but costly errors in the field didn’t help them and the BLACKS capitalized when given the opportunity. “I’m gonna go home and have Soy Peligroso drop tennis balls from my building’s rooftop in Greenpoint starting tomorrow until Spring training, so if I get back to the Finals, this shouldn't repeat itself” said the Craftsman Cohen who days before was taken off SR (Split Reserve) and became re-eligable as the REDs were choosing to play with only 3. 5th teammate Jinkies O'neill was grounded in Virginia despite valiant attempts to poke north but was unable to successfully stiffarm ole Hurricane Sandy Rottencrotch.
With the exception of game 1 it was an incredibly tight series as the run differential was recorded at a 3.578 average and games 2, 3 and 4 could of gone either way for both squads. One of the tougher moments for the REDS was in game 3 as they loaded the bags in the bottom of the 9th with no outs and failed to notch a single run only being down 2. “That coupled with our errors struct the ship’s bow pretty hard, you keep fighting, but it messes with you, and the voices slowly creep in like basement flood waters fucking up your boxed & collated Playboys” remarked Captain Soy Peligroso who bagged 3 bombs in the finals.
The YFS Sandy bomb dollars raised a grand total of $230 on Sunday and will be sent early next week to the Red Cross to assist the many who are still in need. And depending on the victim’s gender and sexual preference, an official YFS cover letter will accompany the glory loot suggesting they take out the victims for a night of suds & tits, clam or dong (S&TCD). The letter will include detailed findings of S&TCD’s mood-lifting properties, with graphs, an 8x10 photo of breasts and 3 color charts hoping to make making an iron-clad case for how to use the donated money.
The YFS Parade of Champions is set for this Monday (11/19) as the BLACK 1 players will greet their fans a top of the co-owned Diamond and La Grievance’s 1995 teal Toyota 4-Runner. The route begins at The Farragut houses on Bridge St. progresses by the York Stadium and then takes a right on Jay St. and down “Slut’s Descent” ending at the official drink hole of the YFS, 68 Jay bar. Promotional Bridge Fresh Deli diarrhea-sure turkey wraps will be pyramid-stacked high and left untouched as a bounty of Bud Tall boys, Champagne and top shelf spirits will flow for the BLACK 1 Champs and their fans.
The 2012 World Champion BLACKS are: Golf Shotz Kadin, The Secret Agent, The Wanderer, The Local Kid and The Mechanic
The REDS were: The Connoisseur, Soy Peligroso, The Craftsman, The Prince and Jinkies” O'Neill
Game 1: B’s: 12, R’s: 2
Game 2: R’s: 12, B’s: 9
Game 3: B’s: 12, R’s: 10
Game 4: R’s: 7, B’s: 8
HR’s: G. Shotz: 8, Connoisseur: 4, S. Peligroso: 4, Wanderer: 3, Mechanic: 3, S. Agent: 2 (walkoff), Prince: 1