BROOKLYN'S 'COOCH' GRABS SEASON-X OPENING DAY HONORS BY TOWEL-SNAPPING 3 MOON-PIES

Soy Peligroso  •  April 8th, 2018

BROOKLYN — After a dormant winter in which absolutely nothing of consequence happened anywhere on Earth, the Mothership popped the cork on its 10th season and reminded everyone what the true meaning of life is: yukking it up like a dipshit around other like-minded dipshits. 

After an extended Grapefruit Tits League, the boys came out swinging. The rust fell off like Party Cove panties on Nelly night. Shockingly, no one was hot in herre quite like La Cucaracha. Formerly known as Rookie Nate, La Cucaracha seemingly spent the off-season underneath the piss bench waiting for the perfect opportunity to surprise the shit out of you. “Coochie has the quiet confidence of someone who knows he will ride out the apocalypse in a discarded Skoal can,” said Rizz Everywhere. “When you get home and turn on the lights, Coochie will be sitting on the floor, staring straight into your eyes, sucking on chicken bones.” Red Coochie’s bat wasn’t enough however as the Blacks swept the day’s 3 contests. Perhaps the Reds were distracted by the uncut animal magnetism of Large Sex, whose mustache and wifebeater combo is the latest in Playgirl’s experiential marketing campaign. 

And so, Season X goes full throttle. This dynasty of dumbfuckery that we’ve been collectively mining is a diamond in a world gone cubic zirconia. Don’t think. Just take it ease. SRLD forever.

REDS: Stinkmitt, El Wrencher, Magic Man, La Cucaracha, Rizz Everywhere & Party Boy
BLACKS: Soy Peligroso, Shepherd, J. Cole & the Sugardoll 5, The Deal, Large Sex & Time Machine

G1: B 6, R 5 (11 inn.)
G2: R 9, B 10 (13 inn.)
G3: B 4, R 3

HRs: La Cucaracha, 3; Soy Peligroso, 2; El Wrencher, 2; J. Cole & the Sugardoll 5, 2; Party Boy, 2; The Deal, 1; Stinkmitt, 1