Soy Peligroso • February 2nd, 2020
QUEENS – On a crisp day in early February when fat men fondled an unpredictable rodent and altogether different fat men exchanged headbutts in their pajamas, those in the know got a bonafide gonad tickling as 16 Mom-shippers thawed out in Brooklyn's 5th annual Winter Classic. With Jersey’s Hinchliffe Stadium the latest forgotten yet beloved shithole paradise turned county commissioner’s wet dream, the BK boys set themselves to prospectin’. And what better territory to tap but their own beloved borough’s backyard? That’s right. QUEENS: the Other White Meat.™
Sixteen stickball nerds of the highest order dueled in a 1-game contest that polite passersby could only label <air quotes> “thoroughly mediocre.” Funny... turns out when you don’t load the lumber for a few months, your swing.exe crashes. That is unless you’re a virile Swedish Cajun whose athletic family farts Olympic gold dust. When genes like that, you’re a cougar in Fuddruckers with a bucket of Rocks... it’s all just too easy.
After his U2-related YouTube channel was demonetized for overt sexual overtones (ie, “Edging to the Edge: Maintaining Your Bono Boner”), fans weren’t sure if Body Lotion AKA Cooper the third Manning brother could continue the torrid pace he set in 2019’s Fall Classic. Those fears were directly tucked in as he went “Reaux’ll Tide” in his first AB. “It’s a beautiful day,” remarked Lotion, signing the gunts of his adoring entourage. “Sometimes your pitch moves in mysterious ways but you still hit it where the streets have no name. It’s just the sweetest thing.”
The “Loash” would provide the only fireworks until the bottom of the 9th. As the gentle harmonies of the Limeliters dissolved in the dying sunlight, Professor Mitt stepped up to the soda counter. “M’Penn,” he winked, subtly tipping his fedora. With a hearty swig of his egg cream, he booped a Betty high over the left field fence.
Twas too little, too late however. The Dark Ones secured victory in Brooklyn’s first foray of the new decade. Saddle up, ‘shippers. There’s a whole lot more glory in them hills.
BLACKS: Soy P, Body Lotion, 8 Ball, Redshirt Rookie Sascha, Big Sex, Rookie Charlie, Cobra High, & Local Boy
REDS: Secret Agent, Mechanic, Shepherd, Stink, Drunk Tank, Magic Man, Long Balls, & Alex K.
Winter Classic V: B 3, R 2
HRs: Body Lotion, 1; Stinkmitt, 1