Soy Peligroso • July 16th, 2017
BROOKLYN – Last last last Sunday, Brooklyn’s finest were out for the first annual Midsummer Showdown AKA the Take It Ease Tournament, a double elimination round-robin to see which team can take it the most ease. At first glance, the 4 hat-picked squads seemed refreshingly equal. Indeed, fate had distributed the SRLD ratings so evenly that some side-glancing backroom murmurers seemed to imply some collusion by the Commissioners. Speaking from his managerial office at the “Alibi II,” boasting Lake Tahoe’s only seafood room and glow-in-the-dark bikini shoppe, the Surgeon emphatically denied it. “I don’t have time for these false allegations. I got Crystal saying she needs Tuesday off, I got Destinee saying she needs Thursday off, and the goddamn fryolator is on the fritz. You’re welcome to stick around, but this conversation is over. 2 for 1 Zima bombs all day. The special is the Surgeon’s Sturgeon. It’s a melange of deep-fried Starkist topped with cheez-whiz and sports beans.”
As the day’s action rolled on, it quickly became clear which particular aspect of the game would tilt the scales. Though they lost the opener, the Clubs settled down and pitched their nuts off. The Meatball Shoppe’s business was booming, especially for the Fungal Four-Bagger himself, Mr. Swingin’ Mo’Shroom, whose Willy Wonka-esque creations provided the fuel to his firepower. “I got shrooms in my suntan lotion, shrooms in my deodorant, shrooms in my contact solution… soon I’ll finish my masterpiece, the Everlasting Microdose, where it’s always sunny inside your head and Penns are the size of watermelons. Also the walls start to melt but whatever, totally worth it.” Certainly, as The One Who Swings blasted his team to a tournament victory and eternal glory, side effects be damned.
Season 9 keeps rumbling tomorrow at York Cathedral.
CLUBS WIN THE 1ST MIDSUMMER SHOWDOWN
ALL-STAR MVP AND RECIPIENT OF THE SCOOP SOCKS: SWINGIN’ MO
HEARTS: Local Boy, Magic Man, Cobble Hill Kid, Surgeon
DIAMONDS: Rookie Travis, Diamond, The Deal, Big Sexy
CLUBS: Secret Agent, Swingin’ Mo’Shroom, Long Balls Lenny, The Deadbeat
SPADES: 8 Ball, Stinkmitt, The Diplomat, Soy Peligroso
G1: H 1 D 0
G2: C 1 S 4
G3: D 2 C 4
G4: H 3 S 2
G5: S 0 C 3
G6: H 2 C 4
G7: H 0 C 13
HRs: Shroomin’ Mo, 3; Surgeon, 3; Local Boy, 1; The Deal, 1; The Diplomat, 1; Soy Peligroso, 1