Salary • May 23rd, 2020
THE WASTELANDS - Nobody saw it coming.
Not Jesus, not the CDC, not Joe Rogan. Not even the YFSLA brass could have predicted it. But once Dom the Dishpan got a whiff of the incoming trade winds blowing through the internet, he reacted like a cat on a fence dodging a boot thrown by Dennis Eckersley and deftly pirouetted the standard best of three affair into a the first ever Mid-season YFSLA tournament dubbed appropriately - The Unexpected.
14 Masked and Gloved Funboys traipsed into the Wastelands this Saturday for a run at a good old fashioned pre-virus glory sniff. Joining the regulars were a handful of Funboys who themselves unexpectedly emerged from their lockdown model train building to reacquaint themselves with the game. But even though they’d been away for a while, Country Club, Rookie Dan, and Silky weren’t there just for the yuks, they came to mash.
And just as we thought the sides were set, another something Unexpected sauntered onto the Dirt- CUTZ, like a returning Desert Storm soldier surprising his son at a 1992 high school choir recital, appeared out of nowhere, much to the excitement and delight of every masked marauder in attendance- even those who’d never seen him before.
“Who’s that man from the future?” asked Baby Boi.
“Oh him? That’s CUTZ.” Answered Salary.
“Whewweee, he seems tough.”
“Don’t worry, he’s pretty cool.”
But as the boys gawked at the splendor of CUTZ, Dishpan Deal was busy scribing a record of the day on a cardboard scrap that listed the day’s teams - The Diamond David Lee Roths featured Salary, Starfish, CUTZ and Rookie Reece. The Melissa Joan Hearts consisted of Dom the Dishpan, Silky, Rookie Dan and Puppet Master while the Burger King Kids Clubs held true to their name with a youthful squad of Baby Boi, Doc Cock and Pantera Rossa. The David Spades rounded out the field with Country Club, Katfish and Rookie Andrew.
The Red teams took to the Weeds while the Black teams stomped the Dirt. On the Dirt side of the field, the Kids Clubs cruised to an easy victory thanks to a couple River Rockers from the Penis Physician. Meanwhile the game in the Weeds was a see-saw affair thanks to the impressive returns of both Rookie Dan and CUTZ, who each tallied three Container Clangs in the first game. But after a run explosion in the 5th, where Silky put his Touch On It and the Dishpan Dealed his own dongs, the Clarissa’s explained it all to the Diamond Daves- it was time for them to join the Spades and Van Hale a ride over to the loser bracket for the Battle fo the Daves.
The homeless encampment listening to some Saturday morning meth trance beyond the Dirt’s home run fence was treated to a surprisingly feisty third place game that featured solid tactical hitting from the Daves, and several stone sacked plate responses from the Davids. But the two major highlights that will go down in River Rat lore are the CUTZ round tripper that somehow pierced the incoming gales and the insane one handed over the shoulder running grab in triple territory made by Rookie Andrew. In the end though, the consistent ball pounding from Rookie Reece and CUTZ was too much for the Comedians- giving the Diamond Daves the victory in the battle of the Daves.
But nobody actually cares about the third place game, even Motorboat who ripped onto the field mid-game on his dirt bike for a quick socially-distanced hello turned his attention Weedsward.
That's where the Unexpected Cup Championship was taking place.
Over on the launchpad side of the Wastelands, a neck and neck contest unfolded as both sides traded bombs all game, leading to a ninth inning that saw the Burger Boys down a run.
With two outs, down to their last pitch, the Fast Food Friends’ prospects all but dead, Pantera Rossa placed a single in the coffin corner just beyond the intersection of the first base foul line and the infield line to give the Kids a game tying runner on first. That little crack is all Dr Big Dick Needed to thwack the door down with his ample member. The vey next pitch he jacked his ball into the beyond, giving the Kids a one run lead. And riding the high of their success, Bay Boi added an insurance dong to press their advantage.
After that emotional broadside, the Melissa’s were Jonesing for a response, but it seems they didn’t have the Heart to recover, and the Burger King Kid’s Clubs were crowned the Champs of YFSLA’s first ever Unexpected Cup.
After this weekend’s antics the Tinseltown Fun Boys are riding high and look to continue the momentum into the coming weeks as they prepare for their annual season closing classic- The End, which will determine the team that represents LA in the next Galactics.
HRs: Cutz; 6, Dr BD: 5, Rookie Dan: 5, Silky: 4, Dom the Dishpan: 2, Baby Boi: 1, Rookie Andrew: 1, Puppet Master: 1