Soy Peligroso  •  June 18th, 2017

BROOKLYN – With DvL VI circled in his mahogany leather-bound day planner ever since 2016’s ignominious defeat, captain of the DADS and Herbal Essence For Men spokesman “The Secret Agent” Goldberg saw his far-reaching and heretofore unknown covert operation come to a head this past Sunday. In a bombshell post-game interview conducted from his ponytail-shaped underground compound in Trini-dad, the Agent laid bare his year-long campaign to ensure victory for the DADS at any cost. “You dumbf*cks thought I was bringing my kid around last year just for some father-son bonding or some kinda bullsh*t. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I had that little f*ckface poking holes in all your condoms when you weren’t looking. How do you think Soy Peligroso ended up in my squadron this year? I can sure as sh*t assure you it was not providence.” With the team now bolstered by Soy P’s firepower, the Meatball Shoppe set to work on phase 2. “I asked those a**hole Commishes for a 1-time reprieve from the new no-kid clause. Thought I could play on their sympathies. It worked f*ckin perfectly. My little sh*t and Wolf’s little sh*t ran rampant over the LADS. P*ssing in their beers, talking trash, chucking water balloon grenades at their shoes… I’m like an evil Santa. Those crazy f*cking elves will do whatever I want.”

But it wasn’t until midway through the game when the Agent’s masterstroke crystallized. Down 4-2 and needing a spark, LAD slugger and Game of Thronesextra “The Surgeon” Koepke went looking for his testicles. “Where are they? Where are my balls?!” A look of confused horror slowly spread across the faces of each LAD, as one-by-one they looked down only to see a nut-shaped void where their manhood had been. “My plums! My big beautiful plums!” mourned “Big Sexy” Sutherland. “I can’t believe they took all 8!” moaned a shocked Quad D. With the LADS sack-less, their offense failed to muster the barest hint of a hit. The DADS victory was guaranteed. Cackling maniacally, a Grinchy smile uncoiled on the Agent’s face as he pointed toward Lil’ Agent and Lil’ Wolf, each holding an easter basket full of man-stones. “Behold! It was me all along you degenerate back-shooters! I am your jewel thief! Never f*ck with the Agent! DADS RULE!”

Well, LADS, there’s always next year…

Series even at 3-3

G1: L 2 D 4

HRs: Surgeon 1; (19)

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