Soy Peligroso • June 3rd, 2018
BROOKLYN — With 2 months under its belt, Season X has already seen its fair share of dramatic walk-offs, majestic taters, sparkling defensive highlights, and Co-Commissioner Soy Peligroso coaching local doe-eyed children in the delicate art of improvisational profanity. But just when you think you’ve seen it all, a bombshell drops just as suddenly as a 3-run jack.
Beginning last year, the proliferation of fecal matter on the Cathedral’s hallowed grounds has been difficult to overlook. Bulky piles lay strewn about like languid loggy sunbathers. Some have suggested the existence of a supernatural bear, while some ascribed the phenomenon to a “Shitting Bandit,” a man or woman with an eye for vengeance and an ass for posterity. We may have never known the culprit had it not been for a fateful act of “poo-bris.”
The mild-mannered Matador was finally unmasked in a freak accident that nearly sent him straight to the Disabled List, slipping on a mound of his own making and dislocating his knee in & out of its socket. Speaking from his post-game stool at the Times Square Red Lobster, the decorated slugger recounted his journey over frozen mudslides. “I go by many names. El Matador. The Demoralizer. El Fantasma Cagando. As my clutch postseason performances began to multiply, I got addicted to demoralizing. I had to go further. Popping a pre-game squat just came natural to me. I’ll never forget seeing all of the sunken expressions after my first dump. And I would have gotten away with it too, but a Pedro’s chimichanga was my downfall. I simply could not control the frequent urgency.” When asked if his opinion of El Matador had been altered, Co-Commissioner Surgeon shook his head. “I’ll always love the guy, and I’ll always love him on my team. He can shit at my wedding.”
With one mystery solved, deeper mysteries of the mind lie in wait, as the psychedelic-tinged Smellmont Stakes rears its horse head this upcoming Sunday in the continuation of our darling Dipshit Dynasty.
REDS: Soy Peligroso, the Surgeon, Stinkmitt, Magic Man, the Secret Agent, Rookie Andreas, & the Matador
BLACKS: Party Boy, the Wanderer, Dom the Deal, 8 Ball, Cobra Hai, Rookie Charlie, & Rizz Everywhere
G1: R's: 3, B's: 9
G2 :B's: 14, R's: 0
G3: R's: 4, B's: 8
G4: B's: 7, R's: 4
HRs: Soy Peligroso; 3, the Wanderer; 3, Rookie Charlie; 3, Dom the Deal; 1, Party Boy; 1, Rookie Andreas; 1