The Captain  •  October 11th, 2019

Dirty-for-life KATFISH GLOBAL’S farewell in-memoriam video sponsored by Kleenex® at the end of the dispatch.

NEW ORLEANS – I was recently blessed with the opportunity to sit down with God and talk about all things stickball, as well as just all things.  Lots of questions, some answers, some answers that were questions, and some real hope for the future of stickball.

The Captain:  First of all, let me say thank you so much for sitting down with me to do this.  I know you're very busy.

God: Always got time for a fellow stickballer.

: Really? You play?

Of course.  I play all games, all the time.  Mind games are my favorite, so stickball holds a special place in my kingdom.

Interesting.  Well, I would like to start out with the elephant in the room.  The D$$ is headed down the path to officially become a part of the YFS.  What do you think of this move?  Is the D$$ making the right call, or should they hold onto their “go fuck yourself” character?  Will the YFS embrace their rebel spirit or temper it down with boring?  
God: Hold on there little fella.  That’s a lot of questions and in my opinion most of them are totally unnecessary.  Look I created all things.  Really all things, except the Fugitive.  He’s a machine.  I created the D$$ and the YFS.  Hell, I also created the Jolly Roger and YounGun.  Therefore, I love it when shit comes together.  I can’t control how you fuck dolls figure it out, and for the most part I catch a lot of lip for when it doesn’t work out.  No one ever says, “Hey, getting drunk and getting laid is fucking awesome.  Thanks God,” instead its all about how war is my fault.  Should the D$$ and the YFS come together?  Do you like getting drunk and getting laid?  You’re welcome.
TC: You got me there.
God: I got you everywhere, Cap.
TC: Ok, ok, let’s move on.  Last year a lot was made of the D$$’s performance at the Galactics.  Did you have a hand in that?
God: Oh my me, no.  I mean, I created cliffs, fields, sunshine, and booze, but I had nothing to do with the outcome of the Galactics.  It’s easy to think that I made the balls fly so far, but the D$$ performance at the Galactics was more than that.  Did I make the Captain drop his pants?  Did I make Sugar educate the world about Three 6 Mafia?  Did I make Czarbrah, Czarbrah?  No.  D$$ earned those bragging rights the hard way.  They fucking worked at it. 
TC: Yeah, you right.
God: Not always. Like I said, YounGun.
TC: Alright, if that was last year, what about this year?  Anything special you see in the eighth season for the D$$?
God: I’m God, not a soothsayer.  I have no idea what you man dicks are gonna do with the season.  I mean, I’m a fan just like everybody else and I’m excited to see what happens.
TC: Well, as a fan you must have some opinions on the guys out there and what you hope they do this year.  Take the Natural for example, the guys seems to know no bounds with how high he can take his game.
God: I am the Natural.
TC: What?
God: No, I’m just fucking with you.  You should’ve seen your stupid face.  Look, the Natural is great.  He seems to have his hands around the throat of the game right now.  But I’m not some bandwagon D$$ fan.  I remember when the Natural used to smash bats and ass  regularly.  It’s not making peace with me that’s the hard part, it’s maintaining that peace.  Let’s see what he’s got.
TC: Where does that leave Sugar?  He seems to be at peace with everything.
God: I gave you my son, Jesus.  I’m not saying Jesus gave you his son, Sugar, but I’m also not saying Jesus didn't give you his son, Sugar.
TC: Catfish?
God: Read the knuckles. “God’s Gift.”
TC: The Diamond has been talking a lot this offseason about how he’s gonna switch up his style from league bad boy to Mr. Nice Guy.  Thoughts?
God: Yeah, fuck that.  It doesn’t matter if the Diamond is shitting all over your sunny disposition or being a “we’re all winners” panty waste.  If you look back over the history of the league, and you see there were times when there was only one set of footprints in the sand, you can bet your sweet ass those are footprints of size 7 sketchers.  
TC: Do you have a favorite player?
God: I respect the fuck out of Monk.  His discipline is only matched by his devotion.  You just got to respect a guy like that.  But for me personally, I like the fuck it up types.  I like the guys that grab the game by the balls and then take those balls dancing.  I give everyone lemons, one guy out there makes lemon Kool-aid out of them.  I’m a big Kool-Aid guy.
TC: Makes sense.  One last question.  I noticed in a lot of your responses you seem to lean away from predetermination.  Does this mean you don’t have some master plan for how all of this is gonna shake out?  
God: I did have a master plan, to create life.  Did it.  As for the rest, hell no.  I mean when you order a sex swing online.  They send you all the straps, screws, snaps, etc.  Then it’s up to you to find a load bearing beam and put it together.  It’s up to you to get freaky.  It’s always been up to you.  I gave you life and it’s everyone’s responsibility to fuck it up on their own.  In my opinion swinging the stick, while having some drinks, and laughing your ass off with some of the best guys on earth seems like a damn good way to fuck life up.
TC: Wow.  Thanks again. This was amazing and I hope we continue to be so blessed in the D$$.
God: Me Bless the D$$ . . . and give em hell out there this season Cap.
See you sex workers on the field Saturday and remember God is watching, so let’s put on a heavenly display this season.

God Bless the D$$,
The Captain
Dirty South Commissioner

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