The Well Fed Man • July 14th, 2018JET CITY — With the dingleberry of probation stuck to the taints of the Jet City YFS Chapter, the sluggers powered through record temperatures, Samoan kids and the revelation that Jet City Arena, with 215 feet down left and over 400 feet at center, will not be repeat-conquered easily. Arena grounds keepers showed up days early to get the turf cut tight as hooker’s jeans on the Seatac Strip allowing the Chapter to play amidst the dog crap, mole hills and snake skins like real men.
Battling the heat, a superior Samoan speaker system and the REDs daunting “Diamond D” the BLACKs scored more home phone numbers in 6th grade than runs on the day. Pushing only one run across the plate in nearly 5 hours of play. The team of Daisy Cutter, The Landmine and Casper Bill proved to be poison as infighting and finger pointing took precedence over hitting and fielding. “Like a summer camp talent show, there simply wasn’t much more to report” remarked second year player Simsonian who watched the games via Slingbox from the Favo Dive bar in Rio De Janeiro while on vacation. Though Daisy Cutter looked great on the day, catching praise from the first group of Samoan kids to roll down to JCA for a look, “What’s that white dude doing in the chair in left field? Isn’t he playing? Or do you guys just suck?” Asked the portliest of the bunch, complete with bbq stains and sticky fingers covered in grass and dirt.
REDs bats were on fire in Game 1 but Jet City Arena proved to be the cock block of the century, yet again preventing any bombs. RoseCity Steve hit a deep single 300+ feet into center and after said “Fuck, JCA is tough broad to bag” Given that the arena was keeping HR’s at bay, the REDs turned to manufacturing runs via singles, scoring 6 on 21 hits leaving 15 on base. Who knows what would have happened if REDs got their final at bat, but alas it wasn’t needed as the BLACKs continued their dugout sharting and ended the game appropriately with a jelly donut.
Flashing the leather around the left field pool, T-BOP started slow, dropping an easy can of corn that bounced off his cold hands but then settled in to his favorite position like a married couple and cleaned up for the remaining 17 innings. All while working his camera like a 13 year old who just found out what his boner was for. “What the hell?” muttered a 6 year old Samoan kid at the park to eat bbq pork and watch most of his family tree play softball, “Why does that dude have a camera in left field?...Hey get off me Annie, I’m talking to the white dudes.”
Not far behind, Big Bat Bacon, who again showed up with an illegally sized bat claiming the 1 1/4 inches was actually regulation, flashed signs of greatness in the field while holding down the right center field corner of the Diamond D, catching one of the only BLACKs balls to leave the pool towards right center field. Not to be out of balance, BBB provided the best blooper of the day ending his backward jump-flop, cross handed attempt at a catch in a stuck turtle pose that had his
performance footwear (think flip-flop that fucked a Teva) flailing in the air like a dead bug. “What the hell is wrong with that guy’s feet?” Asked a little Samoan girl who was gnawing on a pork rib while fending off an annoying boy who was trying to get in on her rations.”
Taking the deep left field point of the Diamond D, the Well Fed Man again roamed the outfield catching nearly everything that came his way. Though to be fair, the BLACKs hit more pool drives on the day than the WFM got under tube tops in high school. “I thought it was a good day out there, dropped a few, caught most that came my way, and whats more, BLACKs couldn’t even put a cereal box in a shopping cart if they tried...i’d like to think my Championship presence had something to do with that.”
Portland transfer RoseCity Steve filled in the mid center left of the Diamond D, making the catch of the day - a tall line drive blast back to the warning track where RCS timed his leap perfectly, robbing The Landmine of his best contact of the day and possibly the BLACKs only chance of a W. You could hear The Landmine cursing over the roar of a Virgin Atlantic 737 headed across the great divide to the Borough of Churches.
Jet City keeps rolling this weekend (7/21) as they continue to try and get it right by YFS HQ all while keeping their names in the Galactics conversation.
G1: R’s: 6 B’s: 0
G2: R’s: 2 B’s: 1
Blacks: Daisy Cutter, The Landmine, Casper Bill
Reds: T-Bop, The Well Fed Man, RoseCity Steve, Big Bat Bacon