El Wrencher • February 24th, 2018
PATERSON — The continued development of the YFS was on watch last last Saturday as the Brooklyn Mothership bulged its ballbag of shenanigans with a second off-season tilt – The Winter Classic 3.2. YFS Headquarters in Hoboken has been keen to dial in multi-city bouts as well as test run their media-guise getups for league wide anonymity and further permission for the athletes to take full steps out of their respective realities behind the massive oak doors in the YFS fun jungle. “Some will return home from this tournament feeling refreshed and proudly march alongside their ladies in female-only-made Etsy vagina bodysuits...some will stop talking about it and actually go save that baby whale in a tree...others will return to work and hang sheetrock with a vigor and style never seen before...But on game day? Nah...tomorrow we ball hard as steel” remarked KATFISH GLOBAL who arrived at Newark International last last Friday mobbed by Tokyo barelys looking to pack out some official KATFISH repo-batter in a baggage claim bathroom stall. KG made his way into town on a one way ticket with no set plans on how he would return to his Bywater estate in New Orleans. “That’s none of my concern right now...it’s high time to crush green nuts” said KG as he pushed a TMZ reporter out of his way while strapping a BIG SYSTEMS stick to the roof-mounted ski racks of his canary yellow Chevy Spark® rental.
Sluggers from Brooklyn, Jet City and New Orleans poured into the Garden state with sticks, dreams and getups looking to river pan for glory and headlines. Prior to the start of the slugfest, the 1X2” Time Square wild posting on 39th street boasted a YFS 3-City clash double-elim hot lap format at Hinchliffe Stadium in Paterson NJ. But upon arrival the athletes were swiftly punted from the storied grounds by a union worker who spread his peacocking wings and spoke over a PA from the perch of a utility truck...“Please remove yourselves from the premises...you are trespassing…” After the posturing a few players approached with union lacky who expressed regret but was firm on his stance to hold the stadium in cuckold as the sluggers could only look in from the gates near Silk City’s glorious historic falls.
And with Hinchliffe all but out the Brooklyn hosts had no choice but to tack sails and find an auxiliary field as a record 4 viewers watched on Photobucket live upset with the delayed start. Lone Wolf and the player now known as J. Cole & the Sugar Doll Five jeep’d off and would soon radio back that they’d found a riverside dirt and grass ball field with dimensions right on point with the YFS. Hinchy it wasn’t, but it had bums, bum fires and was complete with a dirty-grime backdrop that is second home to the YFS.
In a muffed initial team card draw the Minister had no choice but to execute a redo. And with it YFS Jet City sluggers Daisy Cutter and The Landmine (formerly known as Rookie Dave) scored a window seat at the A-rated meatball shoppe with the sweet swing ‘n pitch talent of the Secret Agent and didn’t waste the opportunity. The R2 drawn cards also spoke up adding Diamond and Rizz Everywhere to round out their squad.
The Jet City-heavy Red Deuces would take their undefeated talents into the finals to face the 1-loss Black 1s with a hot-swinging Soy Peligroso and his motley crew of jerry-rigged shitsticks. The PA at the bummy riverside stadium lit up with the 4 player introductions joining Brooklyn’s co-commissioner Soy Peligroso….”First up we have El Wrencher...he’s your pretzel-legged resident dugout asshole that thinks it’s all about him...watch this boner shart it up for himself and the rest of his squad with ease!...Second we got today’s whiff specialist expert and jiffy-pop talking Hot Lips Harrison everybody! Round of applause please...this fruit-by-the-roll shirtless yacking wonder can fly out with the best of ‘em...Next up...Time Machine...AKA Ghost of Patrick Swayze...outfield struck balls literally pass through his hands and entire body...it’s a thing you have to see it to believe!….And don’t even think of leaving the stadium early today because we’ve also got endless encore offensive warning track performances by J. Cole & the Sugar Doll Five...and even with the hot swinging Soy Peligroso this team has no real shot of winning! and yes, we have no fucking idea how they’re in the finals either people” belted out the stadium announcer.
But the real story of the day were the long haul truckers’ Daisy Cutter and The Landmine who were involved in crucial offense and defensive plays under the YFS bright lights for their R2 team. The combined 6 thousand mile flying duo was the one-two punch that helped pin down the victory for their squad and they deserve every accolade they can get. “Landmine broke backs with his catches...Daisy Cutter went yard and came up big in clutch moments…they were key” remarked the Secret Agent who hit 2 HRs on the day. In true NW style these two showed up, observed, paid dues, were Hot Lips hazed, drank deep and played their cocks off. “They put Jet City on the map and the league can’t wait to see what they do with Season 2.5” remarked Rizz Everywhere who hit a crucial 2-run bomb over Hot Lips early on in the final game which was one of the turning points for the R2 team.
One also can’t deny the YFS seismic spiritual shift of magnitude that was on display at the WC3.2. “If this Stinkmitt fella can stand up in a party bus and sincerely 3-sheet herald lead halfwit and founder of the YFS the Minister then the terrorists are in for a rude awakening…the YFS has buffoonery’s back and they don’t appear to be losing any steam” remarked party bus driver Lou H. who was reaching for his umpteenth Puffs® ultra soft ‘n strong tissue as he recounted the equal parts knee slaps and tears speech roadside while Local Boy and the Deal shop-fished two Bud squatty 30-packs for the ride from Paterson to DC’s Tavern in Hoboken.
The Grapefruit T-League continues for the Brooklyn Mothership all March long. BK's Season 10’s Opening Days will be in April, exact date TBD.
The WC3.2 Champ R2’s: The Secret Agent, The Diamond, Rizz Everywhere, The Daisy Cutter and The Landmine
The WC3.2 Cramps:
B1’s: Soy Peligroso, El Wrencher, Hot Lips Harrison, Time Machine and J. Cole & the Sugar Doll Five
R1’s: The Lone Wolf, Dom the Deal, Local Boy, Magic Man
B2’s: The Shepard, KATFISH GLOBAL, Stinkmitt and Large Sex
HR’s: S. Peligroso: 4, S. Agent: 2, L. Wolf: 2, D. Cutter: 2, R. Everywhere: 1
*The league raised another bag of loot for the eventual renovations at Hinchliffe Stadium totaling $110 on the day. The WCIII.2 donation will be made to savingplaces.org in the name of YFS Worldwide.