The Well Fed Man  •  July 22nd, 2018

SEATTLE – Sunday - a day observed by billions around the globe as a day of rest. Instead the men of Jet City put in hard work atop of YFS’ glory mountain and hauled in one of the more entertaining double headers in the Chapter’s young history. Powered by Daisy Cutter’s Bag’O’BLT’s and Rainier Talls from the chapter-sponsored 757 Grocery, the sluggers of JC peppered the new field configuration with 27 Bombs including 2 GIVE-ME-ALL-YOUR-MEATS-AND-CHEESES base cleaners. Even the perfectly chilled bat of the Well Fed Man had a jack on the day breaking the Jet City OG sluggers HR hymen.

Grounds crews again showed up early, rejiggering Jet City Arena to its summer configuration. Allowing more Sun n’ Dumb at the typically stingy ball park. Albeit the grounds crew befuddled some Jet City fans. “I’m anxious to see the new digs” said a high as nuts SeaTac area drifter who woke up early in the park to the sound of the grounds crew pulling tape, measuring and ensuring the Fly Line was squared off and within league spec. “The good news about sucking air and giving absolutely nothing back to the world is that it gives me ample time to watch some dumbfucks try and hit Penns into blackberry brambles while downing as many spring-loaded Rainer Talls as possible...the YFS product is strong”.

With the use of laser finder the crew adjusted the yard accordingly. “We’re moving home plate into the shaded area to ensure the outfield barrier is at least 180’ from the plate to find the perfect HR production for this specific YFS battlefield” said head groundskeeper Antonio Novecelli. “This summer config will allow Jet City to take advantage of the sun without being forced to stare directly into it while ensuring the YETI coolers chock with Rainiers and provisions remain optimal in the dugout tent. Plus it will just be more fun to hit home runs instead of watching the Well Fed Man catch everything at the warning track.”

With 8 strong showing on Sunday, the cards were pulled and teams began their day of dipshittery with the familiar Landmine and Daisy Cutter already blaming each other for their shortcomings. “I’m not sure what cosmic prankster keeps us on the same team week after week, but I’m hoping Landmines’ reproductive cycle ends soon so we can finally get some production out of him” said the impassioned teammate. “DC’s Fruit of Goons are all twisted up because I dutch-oven’d up his Harley Davidson Ford lowrider truck on the way the ballpark and refused to roll down the window”.

BLACKs won the first game in a lopsided 10 run blowout that saw the 206 Tar Heel, AKA Side Out, deliver 8 beach ball sized pitches to his BLACK teammates who accordingly pushed them across the blackberry bush wall with glee totaling 16 runs. “It’s nice to return to the JC Arena and knock some balls around with a cold beer and some Doritos” said BLACKs player Xmas Tree @therealmechanic. REDs really had no chance as sure singles were caught by the Xmas tree @therealmechanic roaming the fly line. “The only gripe with a Sunday double header is the plethora of overloaded 777’s headed over the pole to Europe that seem to shake the earth with their roar” added BLACKs unknown poet and hit machine, Two Socks, from under his oversized straw hat and Maui Jims.

After the first 7th inning stretch, Casper Bill not Bill Baerg, was heard saying “Why am I called Casper?” as he approached the batters box attempting to add to his 5 HR total on the day. 206 Tar Heel, AKA Side Out, who joined a homeless man for a J-bird rip of kush during the stretch, was back on the mound to throw his beach balls at the plate but seemed to lose most of his mojo to the euphoria of the MJ, opening up the door for REDs to close the lead as BLACKs mustered a goose egg through the final innings. But alas, the REDs could only push across another 2 runs and the game and glory of the first one went to BLACKs, 16-6.

However the REDs wouldn’t be swept on this day as BLACKs, led by their stoned pitcher, did his best Doc Ellis and continued the goose egg hunt through the first 6 innings of Game 2. T-Bop got his bat going and knocked across 4, including two homers, offering “I’m feeling good out here, the camera is a heavy burden but one that I love - like peanut butter when you’re allergic.” Daisy Cutter, who earlier showed off his serious weaponry via image text to the JC squad, added 4 home runs via Mother Gun to drive REDs to a 5 run win - 14-9. “The power generated from Daisy is hard to fathom, he's low and slow but I imagine the shockwave from that Grand Slam was felt all the way to the Poodle Dog in Fife!” said the Well Fed Man with a mouthful of BLT after DC hit a blast into the pines adding to his 5 jacks on the day.

The afternoon ended with a split between the two teams, leaving one stumbling fan to say “So stoked I missed Aunt Nancy’s Sunday supper for the double header out at JCA. A day of Sun, Tall Raindogs, long bombs and laughs! Aunt Nance can straight up suck it.”

G1: B’s: 16, R’s: 6
G2: R’s: 14, B’s  9

HRs: D. Cutter: 5, 2 Socks: 5, Casper: 5, Side Out: 4, X-Mas Tree @therealmechanic: 3, T-Bop: 2, Landmine: 2, WFM: 1

REDs: T-Bop, The Well Fed Man, Landmine, Daisy Cutter
BLACKs: Casper Bill, Xmas Tree @therealmechanic, 206 Tar Heel, Two Socks

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  • SIDE OUT GOT 4. AKA 206 TAR HEEL. Yeah you got no ink in the write-up. But you did get a Doc Ellis shout out.

    • The Mechanic
  • where are my four bombs and grand salami mention…for shame!!!

    • Will Carroll