Salary • January 5th, 2021
THE WASTELANDS - Early Saturday morning a modern day John Henry, less muscular though infinitely more inked, hacked with a reciprocating saw into a wall of unruly hedge with a rhythm less that of a chugging freighter headed north on the Union Pacific line, and more a wild, unrhythmic thrash of early punk stalwarts The Randoms. He paused when a grown man wearing knee high Christmas socks, a tie dye shirt and electric green athletic shorts approached. He looked up.
“If you grab the cut down stuff and throw it over there, I can come back and get the stumps”
The doubled over Katfish, elbow deep in bramble kept sawing away while festively attired Salary surveyed the progress/damage.
“How long you been out here?”
“Jesus. Nice work. I’m gonna get going on the lines.”
Sal turned and sauntered towards the glorious epicenter of the Wastelands, a 60 foot light pole that no longer works, and took in the progress happening around him.
Thanks to a 40 million dollar donation from a person who desired to remain anonymous (though we can tell you they starred in the movie Michael Clayton and are part owner of Casamigos Tequila) and the man hours from a beefy crew of Funboys, including The Swarm, Party Platter, Dong Robber, Deadliest Catch, and The Deal, the recent renovations of the Charlie Pride memorial Wastelands Stickball ComplexTM presented by Mountain Dew and Intel have made it the premier stickball facility in all of YFS.
A list of the improvements include a fresh set of lines, a left field on the Weeds now free of double and triple robbing thickets, two foul poles with weathervanes, right field home run tape on both the Dirt and the Weeds, and protective casing to cover the protruding metal fence prongs that deter most left field wall in-field dong robberies.
These improvements are intended to bolster both the defensive and offensive aspects of our game. The now bald outfield of the weeds gives both hitters and fielders more opportunity for glory, with more triples and doubles possible with a clear path tot he container and more opportunity for outfielders to catch cans of corn that would otherwise become bush-baby singles.
Additionally, the set of new home run ribbons in right field offers sluggers with opposite field power and our single lefty swinger, Summer Camp aka Bushwhacker, opportunity to climb the rungs of the Dong Country Ledger while the protective covering of the fence in left will make it safe for defenders to rob any pull hitter who squeaks a fuzzy over the chain link.
YFSLA has not returned any calls from Paul Tagliabue, former NFL commissioner who has left several messages requesting insights into the Funboy’s ability to engineer such an impressive renovation so quickly and so under budget.