8-Ball • October 27th, 2018
BROOKLYN – After losing the first game 10-1 and batting out of order (technically multiple times) in the second, the talented but hapless B2s resembled more of an experimental modern dance troupe than the veteran stickball machine they appeared to be on paper.8-Ball's uncharacteristic Canseco-ing of a ball in the first inning allowed a run to score, but after that misstep, the B1s delivered a systematic beat down that had them feeling pretty confident about the rest of the day. Surgeon's grand slam was the early blow, and the rest of the B1 squad followed suit, delivering like coked up elves on Christmas morning.
But the stickball gods can be a cruel and mischievous bunch,
capriciously spreading favor at whim. After that game 1 punch in the face, the B1s began to grasp the severity of their situation. Mechanic stepped up his game with a thundering war cry and a flurry of clutch trips; Stinkmitt rallied his gullet to polish off the requisite motivational fourth beer of the intermission, Sugardoll started peppering the left field line with stiff jabs and compliments, and their new mascot, Rookie Charlie, began to imagine the ball was his ex's face. It was game on.
And that's when shit got weird. Almost... biblically weird. Despite clutch bombs by Big Sex, it was as if the ghost of every single jilted Tinder date got together to stick the B2s in the dick.
A liner to Surgeon that saw him nearly wipe out an entire Chinese family instead left him bloodied and bruised, writhing on the outfield ground crying "the horror, the horror." After history's least sanitary mid-game medical break—where Surgeon was forced to operate on himself with a ten year old roll of tape and a soiled deli napkin—he was on the ground again with a sprained ankle. And a near double play by Rookie Dre, which would have iced it, missed its mark by a pube.
After the B2s went ahead in the eighth inning, MVP Long Balls Lenny, who had been granted a single day furlough from Sing Sing to attend the Classic, crushed a trip off the wall just inches over 8-Ball's outstretched hands to tie it. A homer by Rookie Charlie (who must have really hated his ex) iced it and that, as they say, was that.
It would be narratively tempting to say that game 3 held any drama at all, but the truth is, both teams flailed and farted their way to a limping whimper of a finale. B1s win, game and series 4-2.
Black 1s are: J. Cole & the Sugardoll 5, Rookie Charlie, El Wrencher, Longballs, Stinkmitt
Black 2s were: 8 Ball, Magic Man, Big Sex, Surgeon, Rookie Andreas
G1: B2: 10, B1: 1
G2: B1: 8, B2: 7
G3: B2: 2, B1: 4
HRs: R. Charlie: 3, El Wrencher: 1, Big Sexy: 3, Surgeon: 4