Hot Dog Harrison • May 17th, 2019
HEARTS - Flapjack, Butcher, Sugar, Natural, Ay Caramba - Let’s just fucking face it. This team is a B-52 bomber, an aircraft carrier, and a tank rolled into one and raining giant dicks down upon anyone they face to fuck them into oblivion. They’ve got the bats of gods, can cover the field like global warming, and swag like their nuts scape the ground when they walk. But even Achilles has his heel. Can they keep all this talent together as a team? Are there too many chefs and not enough cooks? Can this ungodly mix of gaping assholes come together to form the ultimate Voltron asshole that takes a gargantuan shit on all our lives? Thankfully for the rest of us, they’ve got to play the game to do it.
Odds - 2 to 1
SPADES - Katfish, Fugitive, Buzz Armstrong, YounGun, Monk - No doubt this is a team of champions as every member has lived the dream and held the trophy at least once. Not only that, but Katfish and Monk are current World Champions. All of this being said, there are still quite a few variables in play here that could spin them into the blackness of forgotten SHIP teams, aka losers. Can Katfish and Monk keep up their hot streak without their big brothers there to protect them? Is the Fugitive properly calibrated to hit off one of these guys or would he have a better shot splitting himself in two and pitching to himself? Will Buzz be the Buzz that catches balls or the Buzz that catches shit? Which YounGun will show up? The YounGun we’ve seen the last couple of weeks or the YounGun we’ve known and been disappointed in all too often? Lots of questions and lots of variable with only one constant. Katfish rules. But can he lead?
Odds - 15 to 1
DIAMONDS - Diamond, Spider, Rooster, Captain, Jolly Roger - Strong team with a proper balance of swag and fuckery. There are two pieces of history working in these guys favor. 1. No team has ever won the SHIP without a rookie. - They've got one and clearly fresh blood can fuel a SHIP fire. 2. Diamond and Spider win SHIPs together. There’s no mathematical reason to it, but there’s also no denying it either. These two find a way to climb into the blackhole of each other’s psyche and come out the other side with a trophy. The real X-factor here is the Captain. It’s safe to say he has had the best and worst season of his career at the same time. Will he be dragging his crippled career around out there just waiting for someone to finally put him out of his misery or has he truly been reborn a champion. Chances are both and as that might win a game or two, it simply won’t cut it in the SHIP.
Odds - 10 to 1
CLUBS - Reebok Switch, Double Barrel, Czar Brah, Kool-Aid, (scratch Tomorrow) Heartthrob - This team just screams sex behind a dumpster fire while slamming cold cans and your sister. Sure their on the field talent is on the lower side of the scale, but their off the field party is in the stratosphere. No matter who they play or when they play, one thing is for certain, how they play. Balls to the wall like the wall was their second cousins chin. No need for the stats on these guys and what difference would it make anyway. Stats don’t win games. Players do, and these guys will undoubtably play.
Odds - 99 to 1