Soy Peligroso • September 30th, 2018
BROOKLYN – As the sun wanes and the dog days sit firmly in the rearview, the air temperature plummets toward a MINWI’d Suds of Excitement. Rizz Everywhere once again considers frosted tips. Rookie Andreas peruses Lululemon’s fall collection for men. La Cucaracha and the Oil Slick linger a little too long in a Gymboree parking lot. All the while, Season X inches closer to the end game: the Greatest Sporting Event On Earth.
Our Dipshit Dynasty is built on a foundation of SRLD (Suds Reefer Laughs Dedication). In considering post-season selection, League Brass takes a penetratingly hard look at all the D’s in the league. “Listen. Some guys have huge D’s. They’re truly a sight to behold. And some guys have small D’s. And that’s okay, we don’t judge. What matters is what you do with the D you have,” said a winded Consigliere from a backroom casting couch.
For the first-time in Brooklyn’s history, 16 members of the Mothership qualified with season-long table-thumping D’s and immediately accepted a post-season invitation. With 4 spots up for grabs and 8 sluggers on the fringe, the first annual Fall Classic Play-In Game was born. The winning 4 would earn a lottery ball in the Draw (scheduled for October 10th on Cinemax Adult). The losing 4 would Dutch Oven themselves all winter long.
Finally, game day arrived. The inebriated faithful poured in through York’s gates on a briskly beautiful morning. Bets and side bets were gleefully collected by a surprisingly pants-wearing Big Sex as the fateful 8 nervously awaited the card ceremony. When the dust of the poop dirt settled, the Black squad of the Deadbeat, Long Balls, J Cole & the Sugardoll 5, and Party Boy would face the Red squad of Shroomin’ Mo, the Diplomat, the Cobble Hill Kid, and Tim E. Machine.
The Blacks came out rippin’ led by Most Valuable Dipshit and Naked Lunch protagonist Party Boy. The impartial crowd urged the Reds along, hoping for a glimpse of sack amidst the Black eclipse. “You could see it in the eyes,” slurred umpire Stinkmitt, 5 empty tall boys at his feet. “Total snooze fest. The Reds were yelping brunch spots before the first pitch. Backyard chimenea and little umbrellas a must. Now excuse me while I throw up inside my mouth.”
Until next season, Reds. You came, you played, you shat the bed.
Reds: Shroomin’ Mo, The Diplomat, CHK, Time Machine
Blacks: J. Cole & The SugarDoll 5, Deadbeat, Long Balls, Party Boy*
*Most Valuable Dipshit
Play-in Game: R: 1, B: 10
HRs: Party Boy: 2 (4), Swingin’ Mo: 1 (21)