Southern Diamond • March 5th, 2021NEW ORLEANS – During the alacrity of the early inning transition last Saturday someone asked the score. Diamond yelled something like “4-2, good guys.” It didn’t take long for Kitty Cap to correct him with a “Fuck that. We ain’t the good guys. This is a bar fight.” “A salad bar fight,” laughed Surgeon. Silence. Smirks. The Hearts swiftly loosened the arugula from their ponytail holders and never looked back. Here are a couple more thoughts from an intrepid Saturday in the D$$:
1. Reebok Appleseed was sublime. Last week’s perfect performance in the field was surprising to everyone but Appleseed. “I know what I can do and I know what pleases me. Week in and week out, a lot of these losers ride a dinosaur to a drive in: swing...bomb...yawn...swing...ground out ten times….swing….one more bomb... two hits out of ten... but hey...bombs = great day. That ancient way of balling works fine for them, just not a game I’m interested in playing. I could hit 100 ding dongs a year if I wanted. But I like to keep 'em guessing. Usually , I drop balls at key moments to keep the games close. You know, give an average batter a chance at an RBI or help out some poor fuck who depends on dickball for his entire sense of self worth get that at bat he hopes will change the course of mediocrity his life has been quietly plotting since birth. Last week, I just felt like catching."
2. A now, a few word about the emergence of newest named stickball player from our illustrious leader, The People's Commissioner:
“Years ago, when I was majoring in “Commissioning For The People,” with a minor in Women’s Studies at Louisiana State University, one of my best friends was a young, Italian gentleman who we’ll call Michael G to protect his anonymity. Michael’s Dad was named Guice (pronounced like Ice), but because Michael had gotten caught using steroids by his father when he was in high school, we nicknamed him Guice, but this time, pronounced like the beverage.
Cut to 2021 on St Patrick's field, where another young Italian Gentleman has taken this league by storm. Because of his Italian heritage, the way his swing makes the balls jumping off his bat sometimes seem as if they were juiced, and his love of fruit flavored beer substitutes (Which, he’s got me drinking now), I’d like to hereby welcome our newest named player to the league. That’s right, boys. From this day forward, Rookie Giancarlo, will be known as “Guice", pronounced like the beverage. Welcome aboard, Guice!
3. Capn’s taunting of Butcher in the mid-seventh of the second game was textbook D$$ shit talk. Apparently, Cap spent some time advising Butcher that - among other pleasantries - he was a ghost of his former self. On the walk through the middle eight, Butcher gave a very sincere thank you to Cap’n. Everyone not on the Butcher's team suffered after that. Capn’s brash, sly mouthing off makes everyone better. Take note.
4. That Aye Carumba display of fielding was a marvel.
5. The leader of the Kitten Revolution will be leaving us after this weekend to begin his vision quest in preparation for his return to the SHIP. You won’t see him for a couple months unless you come to pay homage at tomorrow's game (aka Sayonara Shithead Part Deux - See Flyer Below). Although he swears it's his year, we all know that the SHIP is not always a time for him to celebrate, so, let's make a party of it tomorrow when the clock strikes noon.
6. Blade was looking SHIP ready last week. The only thing absent was his truly rare ability to lead/coach a team.
Notes From the Field 02/27/2021
GAME 1: HEARTS BEAT SPADES 9-7
The Dirty South Mouth™ was lip-loose in the beginning of this one, with Buzz spitting verbal gold to a smiling, welcoming Diamond. A stacked Spades team took an early lead with a 2 run Roadhouse long ball and, for a brief moment, one wondered if the perennial Rookie was gonna have another one of those days we’ve seen from him so often in Season McMahon. Instead, the frontline domination of Koolaid and Reebok joined forces with the backline power of 20 year old friendship to lead a steady Hearts with a sticky swag. Aye was crystal in the field and Blade’s three straight bombs in the late innings was one of the most impressive batting sequences all year. In the end, the Hearts triples party, Diamonds mid game 2-run shot and the Kitty Cap’s Bomb Pop Drop™ were just too much. Hearts hold on for sweet first game victory.
Souvenirs: Blade 3, Diamond 2, Kitty Cap 2, Roadhouse 1
GAME 2: HEARTS BEAT DIAMONDS 6-2
First thing Kitty Cap yells when the Hearts moved past the Spades was, “bring on the big boys!” We assume he meant Limey, Aye and Czar, although he could have also been referring to the Bunyan Brothers™ Butcher and Guice. Guice struck first with a line drive homer to put his squad up 1-0. The Surgeon responded with three perfectly dialed hot air balloons that hung ever so long in the air en route to the I-10 wall. In the last two weeks, Surge has flashed some consecutive bomb streaks that prove why he is often unstoppable. But don’t be fooled, it’s mostly his clubhouse dipshittery that leads the pack and that was no different in game two as the salad bar fight known as the Hearts kept the good times rolling on the way to winners all day baby. Butcher responds to Cap’n’s prodding in the 8th with a solo shot.
Souvenirs: Guice 1, Butcher 1, Aye 1, Diamond 1, Surgeon 3
GAME 3: DIAMONDS BEAT SPADES 7-3
Spades: Spider, Roadhouse, Rooster, Blade and Buzz
Diamonds: Czar, Guice, Butcher, Limey and Aye
The battle for losers all day is the best for everyone except, well, the losers. Rooster felt it the most last Saturday and he has a broken bat to prove it. That Spades team had flashes of individual sweetness, although lacked a team chemistry. Add a fired up Butcher who led with three mauled homers in the early innings, some Limey love, an extra shot of Aye with a Czar chaser and you’ve got a pretty potent team cocktail. Roadhouse's most dangerous play came at the mound as he beamed two of his own players with the same ball after he took the dirty south mouth bait from Kitty Cap. Not much going for Guice all day. Although he has flashed moments of greatness this season, one can’t tell where this train is heading. World domination or most dominant head case in stickball?
Souvenirs: Butcher 3, Czar 1