Dr. Joose  •  November 2nd, 2019

YFS Rose City Presents: 
Lifestylz Fall Classic II
Sunday, November 3rd, 2019
9am at The Slabyard 

True love is the comfort of being stupid together. -Anonymous 
Sticky Rick
Seriel Killer
The Lobster
Always On
Big Trip
Suds: 4
Reefer: 1.5
Laughs: 3
Dedication: 4.5
Team Quote: What are you looking at, Sugar Tits? -Mel Gibson
Team Song: Cheer Up Boys (Your Makeup is Running) -Foo Fighters
Like pancakes on Saturday morning, this team is stacked. If Always On can live up to his name and Big Trip can stagger out of his road trip hangover, they have a real shot at glory. Lobster has been known to toss back a few suds when he’s not fathering his cricket (actual term for a baby lobster) and Sticky Rick likes to wet his whistle more often than most are comfortable admitting. All these boys can drink, but the reefer is reserved only for the brave on this team. AO and Big Trip shit reefer on the daily, however, unless we’re counting CBD oil here, the rest are useless when it comes to Sweet Mary.  You can be sure you’ll hear Sticky Rick’s surprisingly feminine and bearded belly laugh from the outfield, which will undoubtedly result in an adorable Daddy Lobster chuckle. This team is ranked highest in dedication, with the sporadic attendance of Rick bringing them to a 4.5. But don’t be fooled, they’re as dedicated as Ammerman’s relentless attempts to be funny. 
The Panther
The Wanderer
Suds: 2
Reefer: 1.5
Laughs: 1
Dedication: 3.5 
Team Quote: Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths. -Frank Broyles
Team Song: You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly -Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
These sorry bastards forced to play with Homewrecker can only hope they have a chance to fondle the trophy. We're predicting crocodile tears and high-pitched whining from him for the majority of the festivities, as he is even known to heckle his teammates, reflecting his own self-hatred. As for the rest of the team, God speed. I have never witnessed Cricket flirt with mediocrity by sipping a single Hamms, and Wanderer’s “I’m trying to be healthy” bullshit brings them down in the Suds department. The same goes for ganja...which is also why we’re expecting no laughs...these boys are too serious for giggles, but you can bet they’ll bring all the athleticism of a middle-aged man playing noon ball at the Y. 
Rookie Jenny
Big Steve
Rookie Cam
Suds: 3.5
Reefer: 2
Laughs: 2
Dedication: 2.5
Team Quote: Even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a shit. I will fucking attack you like a squirrel monkey. -Nicole Polizzi AKA Snooki
Team Song: I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart -Johnny Cash
Big Steve has some time to make up for at the yard, so we're expecting lots of cigs and giggles from him.  Although they're stacked with newbs and boobs, this team could sneak up on everyone and pull it out at the end. (insert dick joke) The suds will flow through everyone’s lips and I’ve witnessed Rookie Cam roll a spliff as tight as Snooki’s titties, although I’m not sure everyone will partake. Chuckles will ensue after watching Steve try to catch fly balls with a cigarette in hand and Ranger fumble around in the outfield. We hope the rookies will show their dipshittery dedication at the classic. 
The Outdoorsman
The Wizard
Suds: 2.5
Reefer: 4
Laughs: 3.5
Dedication: 4 (Outdoorsman brings us down here...)
Team Quote: I say no to drugs, but they don't listen. -Marilyn Manson
Team Song: Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goal Post of Life) -Bobby Bare
What can I say? Sometimes the Stickball Gods smile down on you and you get drawn a perfect team. Although we have suspicions that The Outdoorsman is in fact Big Foot (as he is rarely seen on the Slab Yard), we're expecting lots of magic and whimsy from this crew. Wizard has sworn off suds ever since he woke up naked next to Homewrecker’s sister and Robotron slows down with the Hamms after he’s taken one too many puffs of reefer. Joose will be loose from her own cocktail of jungle juice and herbs and the Outdoorsman will definitely be trying to make up for his poor effort in stickball attendance by just being a dipshit.

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