The Well Fed Man • August 5th, 2018
SEATTLE — For the third straight week the Jet City athletes arrived to a fan-filled Arena for a day of tall Raindogs, bush bombs and laughs far away from the heroin-sucking screens and deep in YFS glory country. Seattle Commissioner T-Bop cracked open the day with a vintage set of buxom ‘n bush playing cards as BLACK and RED slugger squads were decided as they all readied for the first tilt of the day.
“I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw a ‘66 Chevy Fleetside in place of the familiar mid 80’s Firebird in the field maintenance parking spot” mumbled a hungover Landmine. The forever-primered ‘85 Firebird was a fixture and telltale sign to the sluggers that Jet City grounds crew, lead by Antonio Novecelli, was hard at work prepping the field for the double header. The athletes of Jet City were instead approached by a brusque, beer-bellied Italian who smelled of fried arancini and cigarettes donning the all caps name tag of “DONTONIO”.
“Name’s Dontonio Bibi...And all you need to know about Antonio is he’s been shitsacked and sent back to Naples...”. His voice sounded like the illegitimate man-child of Marge Simpson and Jeremy Irons. “He over-corrected last weeks’ field configuration...But Dontonio’s here and he will make this place correct like a Miss Reef ass.”
The updated summer configuration of Jet City Arena didn’t disappoint as DONTONIO proved to be everything that Antonio was not – not gacked out on bath salts and cough syrup but a stickler for YFS field law. “I think the Minister called in Dontonio after the 27-slamma-jamma we enjoyed a week ago, it was the most bombs recorded out at JCA” postulated Big Bat Bacon as he peacocked in the dugout with his new, sexy, barely legal, bat aptly named “The Feather”. “I just never thought he’d call in The Lupo, DONTONIO, but I’m done being surprised by the Minister, who runs this league like Gene Hackman ran that nuclear sub in Crimson Tide.”
Drawn REDs were made up of The Well Fed Man, Daisy Cutter and Big Bat Bacon. BLACKs were represented by the Landmine, T-Bop and line-drive addict the 206 Tar Heel who was heard spouting his famous battle cry throughout the day “I'm a Tar Heel born, I'm a Tar Heel bred and when I die, I'm a Tar Heel dead!”
Game 1 started out with a bang as 11 runs jumped up on the scoreboard by the two teams in the opening inning. “I love the new field” exclaimed a tail-gating Philly native now living in Puyallup, “The boys seem to be scoring as easy as an American accent in Brisbane.” Daisy Cutter blasted the first HR of the day - a 3 run bomb over the head of his BFF Landmine that helped the REDs take a 7-4 lead.
The REDS Defense would take over as the Well Fed Man turned in one of the best catches of the season off the bat of Landmine. A running, over the shoulder catch at the warning track that saved a would be triple and a pair of plate crossers. “I know he didn’t catch that, I want to see the VR” complained a disgruntled Landmine as he popped open another crisp Rainier tall.
However the BLACKs defense wouldn’t go down without a fight. With the 7th inning stretch concluded, trailing the REDs by three, BLACKs defense found themselves with the bases loaded with 2 outs and B.B. Bacon at the plate as he readied himself to tickle some outfield bush. What happened next you all saw on ESPNs TOP 10. 206 Tar Heel and Landmine combined for one of the best circus catches of the day as again, BBB was able to knock a sure hit to his favorite spot on the field only to be crushed when the ball bounced off the typically soft hands of Landmine and into the loving arms of 206 Tar Heel. High fives filled the BLACKs dugout as they entered the last two innings with the momentum.
But it was not to be as the BLACKs bats were put on ice as solid fielding by Daisy Cutter and the 3rd Bacon brother shut down any fart whiffs of a comeback. BLACKs fell to REDs 6-9. “I thought for sure we had them going into the 9th” said the camera clad Commissioner of Jet City T-Bop. “But we’ll take ‘em in Game 2, mark my words” boasted the 206 Tar Heel who by now was able to be blindfolded by dental floss, and added “REDs are in for a fight, just need to load up on some Doritos and this hot 2-liter of Mountain Dew and the BLACKs will put themselves in the winner’s circle.”
Following a longer than usual intermission between games which saw Landmine, Big Bat Bacon and Daisy Cutter employing keg stands in the parking lot with the crew from Philly as T-Bop signing mammaries by the handful, fans were about to be witness one of the better drubbings out at the JCA. With a predictably slow first inning, 206 Tar Heel knotted the game at 2 even with a two run shot almost snapping Daisy Cutter’s head as he watched it fly horizontal deep into the JCA bush like a swan panty-diving Ron Jeremy. Mysteriously the Penn ball was thrown back onto the field at play, presumably from some creature living deep in the woods that not even the Landmine was able to track him/her/it down after a few forays into the bush cheap seats.
Akin to their prom night, the BLACK bats were shut down in Game 2. Though Landmine, like fly paper, starred in the outfield running down warning track pop’s throughout the afternoon. But with great effort comes great indignity as Landmine allowed a Daisy Cutter fly to bounce off his noggin and into the woods for a HR. T-Bop was able to reach the Minister via flip phone for a final ruling. Like Jose Canseco before him, officials properly ruled this a bomb, driving in another 3, and the REDs continued their onslaught while the BLACK opposition fell deeper into despair.
Game 2 saw REDs Big Bat Bacon stroking it to his favorite spot throughout and driving in a solo bomb with his new favorite sex toy. The WFM finally cross-checked the voodoo curse of fast food restaurants nationwide and started hitting the ball to places that T-Bop was NOT standing and waiting. Both BBB and the WFM continually put men on base for Game 2 hero, the Daisy Cutter.
Powered by keg stands, Raindogs, and Little Caesar’s pizza, Daisy Cutter unleashed off the arm of the WFM, dropping bombs on the JCA in true NorthWest fashion totaling 6 on the day, 5 in Game 2 alone, single-handedly issuing the BLACKs a 16-3 ass drubbing. “I felt good out there, the fans were great, I could see everything that the WFM sent over the plate. My girls will be proud!” slurred Daisy as he was carried off the field by area GED hopeful coeds looking for a sweat drenched touch of their icon. “I’m happy for him, he’s my bestie, but I just wish he could have saved some of those homers for our typical lineup with me by his side” said the Landmine who remained slumped over in the BLACKs dugout but still upbeat knowing he would come back to fight another day.
G1: R’s: 9, B’s: 6
G2: R’s: 16, B’s: 3
HRs: D. Cutter: 6 (X), Big Bat Bacon: 1 (X), 206 Tar Heel: 2 (X), Landmine: 2 (X)
REDs: Daisy Cutter, The Well Fed Man, Big Bat Bacon
BLACKs: 206 Tar Heel, T-Bop, Landmine
We are lucky to have WFM as our beat writer and head of security of JCA!