The Son of Stickball • May 9th, 2019
PORTLAND – Rose City's best ball bruisers gathered at the Slabyard for their first evening game of the season only to have their dreams dashed by a bunch of twerps playing soccer (a game for inept dickheads who don't realize they have arms). Drowning their sorrows at a nearby Vietnamese-fusion bar that only served Jet City's garbage swill, our heroes watched the sunlight begin to dwindle. "This is bullshit," said SLRD ("Big") Steve, extinguishing a cigarette in his palm. Belly full of beer and bravado, Big Steve marched back onto the field and began flexing his biceps to establish that he was the strongest boy on the yard-- nay, the planet. The chickenshit soccer players scattered like the literal children that they were. It was time to play.
Despite some laser hits from Rosé and a few decent knocks from SK and El Wanderino, nearly everything the Hearts sent into the field was caught by Cricket, the man with the stickiest hands in the league. JOOSE got a nearly impossible catch sent from Rookie Ammerman by the skin of her fingertips, to which Ammerman threatened to immolate himself in protest. Serial Killer felt something akin to fear when he was up to bat with Cricket's taunts echoing through the yard: "I'M GOING TO CATCH IT, YOU IGNORANT CHODE." Cricket caught it. Cricket catches everything. If that wasn't enough, Cricket slammed his first damn dinger of the season in the next inning sending two across the plate for Diamonds. The Hearts took a huddle. Trip talked tactics: "What if... hold on... what if we hit home-runs?" Such it was agreed and The Wanderer was the first to lead off, followed by Big Trip. Like an envious infant of the prized choo-choo train in preschool, Rookie Ammerman decided that he too wanted in on this carpet bombing upon the Diamonds. The glory was interrupted by an interloper known as OLD WHITE MAN WITH BOOK who ignored all of the rad shit going on and instead inquired about the price of our tennis balls. "What? About $1.60 per can," said Big Steve. "That's a good deal," said OWMWB to an uncurious audience who wished he would leave. After the dementia-riddled dude dicked off, The Wanderer dinged up another donger just in time to slam the coffin door shut on the Diamonds with a final score of 11-2.
It was a race against the sun as visibility quickly became an issue for our sluggers. Rookie Ammerman whined about his "night-blindness," which is a "make-believe condition to cover not catching shit the entire game." Rosé's words, not mine. Fearless in the imminent darkness, The Wanderer was able to smack a GRAND SLAM in the third inning just in time for Rose City's mascot-- Old White Woman with Dog-- to bask in his accomplishment. She flashed the big W a coquettish smile and flirtatiously picked up her dog's shit. Her flagrant display of arousal prompted Big Trip to intervene on behalf of his teammate: "He's taken! If you're tryna catch some easy dick, there's a handsome, frugal man with a book lurking around here." The interloper quickly disappeared with the tip to fulfill her lust, and if she's lucky, some sense of happiness in this life. When the trees eclipsed the sun in the sixth inning, the vampiric Diamonds came alive and rallied some baseruns-- Big Steve, Joose, Ranger, and Cricket all snapped the bat to run two across homebase, but their nocturnal Nosferatu knocks weren't enough to neutralize W's grand slam and the game ended with the sun, Hearts taking it 5-2.
Hearts: Rosé, Big Trip, Rookie Ammerman, Serial Killer, Wanderer
Diamonds: SLRD Steve, Cricket, Ranger, JOOSE
G1: H11, D2
G2: H5, D2
HR: Wanderer 3 [1 GS] (5), Big Trip 3 (14), Cricket 1 (1), R. Ammerman 1 (2)