Soy Peligroso  •  October 20th, 2017

The Black 1s vs The Black 2s in a best of 3
Sunday October 22
First Pitch: 1:05 pm
TV: Playboy Channel

Black 1s:
Dom the Deal
Lefty Moses
Rizz Everywhere
The Cobra 

Rings: 3
Regular Season Career HRs: 277
Postseason Career HRs: 19
“Lamb of God” hoodies: 1

Suds: 5
Reefer: 2.5
Laughs: 4.5
Dedication: 4

The Black 1s are that rat-tailed metal dude you meet who goes by an alias after welching on the Yakuza one too many times. He’s seems harmless. Soon you find yourself mashing with the 2nd-oldest waitress in a Captain D’s bathroom high on PCP while he’s in the back oiling his chest hair with hushpuppy grease howling out the lyrics to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.” In other words, these jokers are fucking wild. First up, Dom the Deal aka Il Consigliere. He’s been sitting at the table for years now and still hasn’t been served the Trophy Fish. Maybe the vacuum-packed Hefty bag of shrooms (recently purchased from an anonymous league source) will speed things along. Joining the Deal is the Rookie Cobra. Though totally sud-free, the Cobra still maintains a flawless 5 star sud-rating for past accomplishments. His reefer-rating is also stellar, taking near-constant gourmet rips off the Skittlez, Purple Cookies, and Blue Brontosaurus. His cousin and league-darling Stinkmitt will aim to enter game 1 with the Stench Meter fully cocked. Suds over cereal should do the trick, taking care to avoid his kryptonite, the oddly specific combination of homemade kielbasa, sweetened Everclear, and White Horse whisky. And finally we have the 2 returning champs: Rizz Everywhere and Lefty Moses. Rizz is sliding into adulthood with aplomb, stacking up those LBs like an engaged man should. Though he may have lost a step, he’s gained a fantastic muffin top. As for Lefty Moses aka The Deadbeat, he’s back on the sauce wagon and playing absolutely lights out. Thus making the strong case that beer = talent juice.

Odds to win it all: 4 to 1

Black 2s:
The Secret Agent
Soy Peligroso
The Re-Rook
El Matador
Local Boy

Rings: 13
Regular Season Career HRs: 720
Postseason Career HRs: 86
“Careless Whisper” superfans: 1

Suds: 4
Reefer: 2.5
Laughs: 3.5
Dedication: 5

Not much razzle dazzle. Not much chatter either. Just a good ol’ Stickball Dad and his 4 grown adult sons whose names have been collectively Fish-etched a modest 13 times. The Blacks 2s are the most veteran squad in this year’s Classic, sporting 3 O.G.s and 2 members who go back to 2010. They’re also the nicest, a team who’ll beat the shit out of you but feel bad about it and maybe use it as a teachable moment after buying you a drink.

Headlining the Black 2s is Soy Peligroso, a man on a mission from god. The Dangerous One has turned taking it ease into an artform by mainlining Steely Dan, Sade, and smooth saxophone tracks. He’s on an ocean, wife titty in one hand and Maker’s in the other. On the flip side of Soy is the Secret Agent. Although the Agent’s power stroke has left the building, that don’t matter much when you’re slinging meatballs like a coked-up Chef Boyardee. El Matador aka The Demoralizer has been honing his skills by upper-decking Trump-owned hotel bathrooms. The Local Boy Hobbs is a straight-up national treasure more beloved than Tom Hanks. And then we have the Re-Rook, back in the Classic after westward-spreading the YFS gospel, putting the “fest” in manifest destiny. Despite missing the first half of the year, the Re-Rook still managed to climb into the season’s top 5 bomb rankings. The Co-Lord of the Rangs aims to be the only Lord. 
Odds to win it all: 4 to 1

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