Soy Peligroso • October 19th, 2018
The Black League Championship Series (BLCS)
Best of 3
Sunday, October 21st, 2018
First Pitch: 1:05 pm
Umpires: TBD (the 2 most semi-sober Rojos)
TV: PBS After Dark
Black 1s:
J. Cole & the Sugardoll 5
Rookie Charlie
El Wrencher
Longballs
Stinkmitt
Fish: 6
Regular Season Career HRs: 427
Postseason Career HRs: 45
SRLD-METRICS®:
Suds: 5
Reefer: 2
Laughs: 4.5
Dedication: 4
The B1s are a collection of rejected perps from Law & Order: SVU. Each frightening in their own way, in another life they’d all be loofa salesmen. First up is Rookie Charlie. He combines the raw power of a demigod with the sparkling personality of a tree stump. The new single season home run record holder with 106, Chuck puts the ass in unassuming, caring more for his sweet pooch than shattering years of stickball history. The man is playing Nerf hoops, dunking on a gaggle of toddlers. Along for the ride with Chuckles is Dr Mitt. In an incident reminiscent of WWE’s Tugboat v Earthquake, Stinks suffered a finger injury down south while colliding with DSS’ Double Barrel. Fortunately his drinking arm was unharmed. Lord help you if you die of alcohol poisoning and Stinky is your eulogizer. He’ll proclaim you “world’s biggest pussy” and fart on your corpse. Luckily that won’t happen to El Wrencher as his fitness regimen rivals the late Jack LaLanne. The Minister of YFS habitually rises at 4:45 a.m., shits a perfectly hued double-tapered masterpiece, then fires off a bushel of emails to the various Chapter Commissioners in an ongoing quest to slap his dick on everything. These 3 eccentrics have the pleasure of playing with 2 oinkers from the PIG (play-in game), Longballs and Sugardoll. When Longballs visits a haunted house, the employees just assume he’s on the payroll. And J. Cole kills ‘em with kindness. He has a nickname so long he always keeps a glass of water on hand in case you get thirsty in the middle.
Odds to win the whole thing: 4 to 1
Black 2s:
8 Ball
Magic Man
Big Sex
Surgeon
Rookie Andreas
Fish: 6
Regular Season Career HRs: 792
Postseason Career HRs: 78
Suds: 4.5
Reefer: 3
Laughs: 4
Dedication: 4.5
These guys fuck. No amount of showering will wash away the pervasive between-the-sheets funk that surrounds this team in a pulsing, pink dust cloud. It starts with Big Sexy. The only man to be credibly accused of sexual harassment while minding his own business, Big Sex is a police sketch artist’s starter face. After umping for the past 2 years, Coitus Maximus will be playing in his first Fall Classic. Sex was reached for comment but his response was so strange it melted the reporter’s brain. Joining him is Poop Dirt AKA Aids Ball. 8 Ball’s new raison d’etre is consent-gathering nudes and pelfies from literally every woman he meets. Naturally compelled by immoral obligation, he shares his bounty for fake internet points on r/realgirls, r/gonewild30plus, and r/twat-bat. If you have a wife, 8 Ball has mentally undressed her. Beside Quad D is his occasional arch-enemy, the Surgeon. The Plastic Surgeon spent the first month of Season X with LA’s Tinseltown Fun Boys, expecting to return home and crap out another King of York title belt. To his surprise, the perkiest hourglasses in the YFS groupie pool had swum over to Rookie Charlie, leaving Surge with the leftovers that affectionately call themselves the “Dollar Store Doctors.” The Medical One is now living out his own real-life Cialis commercial, riding his Spyder on a coastal highway alongside his old ladies. Rounding out the B2s is the Cajun and the Mago de Mexico. At Key Party Magazine’s “30 Under 30” charity auction, Rookie Andreas does his little turn on the catwalk wearing nothing but a fishnet and shrimping boots. And when’s the last time you saw Magic Man without a big smile on his face? No one else in the league does so much with so little. There’s only one explanation: that guy fucks.
Odds to win the whole thing: 6 to 1