Soy Peligroso • October 19th, 2018
The Red League Championship Series (RLCS)
Best of 3
Sunday, October 21st, 2018
First Pitch: 10:05 am
Umpires: The Surgeon & The Mechanic
TV: Pornhub Sports
Regular Season Career HRs: 701
Postseason Career HRs: 47
The R1s are the opening sequence of Blue Velvet. Clear skies, picket fences… and a shitload of darkness lurking just below the surface. These jokers have more skeletons in the closet than a pop-up Halloween store. Let’s begin with Shep. On any given day, Shepherd’s head is so far up his own ass that he’s started marketing a line of signature headlamps. Whenever he flies, TSA makes him check his mental baggage. He’s got more going on between the ears than a schizophrenic elephant. Not to be outdone in a head case contest is Soy Peligroso. The Dangerous One changes personalities like underwear. As any ‘09er can attest, Soy was once a timid rail-thin kitten who ballooned into the beloved Garfield we know today. On gameday he’ll stick to his usual routine of Muscle Milk over lasagna. Speaking of ‘09ers, the Diamond has leaned so far into his vaguely homophobic outbursts that tabloid journalists are starting to raise their eyebrows. Thankfully GLAAD has taken the high road. For every “dick hugger” out of Diamond’s mouth, they will donate a penis-shaped body pillow to the homeless. Finally we have Cobra and the Agent. Replacing his once torrid love of suds with energy drinks, Cobra’s heart now resembles that dude from Tool videos. Perhaps he would be more lucky in love if he didn’t ask his dates if they’ve ever had a “Monster” in the shower. And the Agent spends one night a week at AA (Aerosmith Anonymous) where proud fans of the world’s worst band can rock their belly button rings in peace.
Odds to win the whole thing: 8 to 1
Regular Season Career HRs: 272
Postseason Career HRs: 25
The R2s bring so much positivity and love into the world that Big Bird is saying fuck it, I’m done. Like all dipshits everywhere, Party Boy has had a lifetime of excellent adventures and bogus journeys. The King of Parties makes a living charging 20 bucks to lick his armpit, not unlike an enterprising toad. He can either be found with his nose in a book or panicking because he got too high and doesn’t know where his nose is. Next to Party on the love train is El Chapo. Though the Deal is an avid fanatic of psychedelics, nothing gets his rocks off quite like a negotiation. Born in the winter, he promised Mama Chapo he’d grow up decent if he could just crawl back inside until spring. Naturally she couldn’t resist her little groovy groundhog. Moving on down the line is the most decent dude of them all, Old Man Hobbsy. The Local Boy has quietly conducted a slew of chemical experiments. Now his vision permanently resembles a Ralph Steadman painting which should pay dividends at the YFS Art Show. Playing alongside these 3 bozos is Rizz Everywhere and the Deadbeat. The Clean Teen recently celebrated his 18th birthday for the 12th year in a row as well as his first nuptials. Like Clinton-Lewinsky, his newfound love of cigars seems to be a big hit with the wife. And the Deadbeat AKA Lefty Moses has jumped head first into baldness, paying hookers to lay a tit on his head like a doting mother hen warming her egg.
Odds to win the whole thing: 5 to 1