YFS GALACTICS PREVIEW

The Minister • March 28th, 2019

BROOKLYN MOTHERSHIP

Coming down out of the Mothership Champ doors in Mexico is Stinkmitt, Meat Dolphin and the Wrenchman. These guys won a cute little trophy called the Fish on an adorable little field called York last October in Brooklyn. With the Galactics looming it’s now clear the slate has been wiped clean and nothing you’ve done or won in the past means a wheelbarrow full of alpaca shit. The dugout net net here is you’ve got two heady bombers in Meat D and Wrench along with the No. 2 power ranked Dipshit in Stinkmitt and a soon to be escapee from Pig City. El Stinker’s fans are jumping out of their chi-chis to see if he can weather multiple Galactic games while being at the trough of a thousand tallboys. The Mothership Champs will be last on Thursday night to card-scoop a player from the BK Pig Pen. Captain Wrenchman will undoubtedly be up to his same low pro bullshit probably telling people his knee or wrist or fingernail hurts. Look for this Yahtzee trio to solidify their identity once Mama Glory decides on their PIG addition.

YFS Lid: White Heat
SRLD Metrics: 4.715
Odds to win it all: 4 to 1
Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR): 90

NOLA

Despite the league telling everybody not to bring any drugs into Mexico. It’s unlikely they’ll get compliance from the NOLA boys. Look for these self-labeled patsy's to be stuffing magic mushrooms in their Skechers foam runners. Vegas has these bozos top of the most likely to get arrested odds. Outside of that racket, the Chapter Champs are busting with raw talent lead by the sudless Natural who’s shown he has no problem doing work on the road. One only has to point to his 2017 Blue Gray efforts in Brooklyn as a marker that he can play anywhere or hit from any side of the plate with composure and a smile. 3rd player Sugar’s reputation around the league a good one and throw in No. 4 power ranked Dipshit Monk and you got the cornerstones of this squad. The NOLA Champs will also draw one from the gaggle of NOLA Pigs under the guise of Mama Glory.

Lid: None Yet. But most of them are topless.
SRLD Metrics: 4.897
Odds to win it all: 3.5 to 1
Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR): 65.8

JET CITY PLOWBOYS

The laziest sack of shits in the league. Stickball Dad racked up a ton of flip phone minutes baby sitting these loveable morons and had to threaten to close the Chapter to get it going last year. Sluggers Daisy Cutter and Big Bat Bacon also showed they can’t follow directions and booked a Baja hotel in January with no official location of the tournament locked at the time. The two are like a power duo of pant-shitting grandpas who have a zero tolerance policy on leaving for Denny’s at 4:15pm and if you're not in the Buick they will leave your ass. Along with those two you’ve got Captain T-Bop and The 206 Tar Heel. If these 4 don’t get held up at a Dave Matthews concert on their way to Tijuana they will be a fine addition to compete in this battle of idiots. Also look for this Chapter to put a sizeable dent in the 1000 Tallboy tower. The league will wait until the 5pm cutoff on Thursday night to see if the heart and soul of Jet City, the Landmine, miraculously falls out of a plane’s ass and lands on the bartop. If he makes it, they have a shot – Without him, no fucking way.

YFS Lid: Perry Como Blue
SRLD Metrics: 4.3754
Odds to win it all with Landmine: 6 to 1
Odds to win it all without Landmine: 173 to 1

Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR): 100

LOS ANGELES TINSLETOWN FUNBOYS

Intern. Rawness. It’s so EZ and G. Shotz. Lots of speculation of protocol, process and legitimacy surrounding this Chapter. And not holding a true Championship there last season has made it hard on the league to determine the quality of the sandwich being built in the City of Angels. What we know about LA is the love is there. The D is there. The nonsense is there in spades. But the simple fact is they have never been tested with any Chapter hardware on the line. So slinging together a bunch of nothing-really-counts-for-shit Saturday’s and some sweet ass mall posters and press is what you have here. Even with the Minister fully backing this Chapter a 110%, LA is fully aware of their league critics. Look for this team to be highly motivated to shove your thoughts about them up your ass.

YFS Lid: Acapulco Gold
SRLD Metrics: 4.853
Odds to win it all: 6.5 to 1
Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR): 92.7

ROSE CITY SMACKS

Our second NW Chapter comes in with good league lather. They also paid their Galactic dues first so that either means they hyped as shit or they just pay their credit card payments two weeks early like nerds. With only 2 Champs making it south, the Chapter will pull 2 Pigs from the pen. Leaving one of those Rose sniffers destined for PIG City. Rose and Jungle Juice are the Chapter disappointments here as the YFS Flex Sex bill was signed with enthusiasm last year, yet not one non-weiner toting slugger is scheduled to show in Mexico. But don’t look for that to slow them down as the first ladies of the YFS will be at the Galactics in spirit. The Chapter boasts two standouts in the former Brooklyn product The Wanderer and a 2018 Dipshit To Watch list resident Big Trip. Mama Glory will decide if they can stay on the same squad once the numbers come in. Look for Portland to put their own unique stamp on the tournament with the Casual Champion Wanderer manning his Glory skiff.

YFS Lid: Rose Red
SRLD Metrics: 4.754
Odds to win it all: 6 to 1
Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR): 100

ROSARITO

We don’t know if these guys are going to roll the Galactics or fall flat on their dicks. We do know that they are the only Chapter to literally never play an official YFS game but are still finding the strength to talk mad shit. Headed up by Waldo AKA El Toro, they show no quit and have tons of pride. The YFS startup Chapter has 4 ready with the signing a guy off the street in Rosarito days ago. El Borracho looks to be the 5th if he can mend his shoulder in time. The league has granted Rosarito the only 4 or 5 Galactic choice pass. The Chapter has been in Galactic lock step with the Minister and the records show them paying the equivalent of 3 years of league dues by helping make this tournament all it can be.

YFS Lid: Verde
SRLD Metrics: UNAVAILABLE
Odds to win it all: 6.5 to 1
Galactic Player Retention Ratio Score (CPRR) 100

THE PIG PEN

13 incompetent dreamers burning their last 1,000 dollars betting it all by boarding a janky train bound for the Galaxy’s Mount Glory. God these guys suck. Nobody here could get it done in the safe and Snuggy® confines of their Chapter’s Championship but yet here they are thinking they’re gonna kill on an even bigger stage. These losers are getting shot out of a PIG’s butthole into Friday’s Sewer of Swats. Who are these leg shooting transients you ask? PIGS and nothing but PIGS. The two PIG teams to get out alive will get their YFS names back. But until then, just PIG 1 and PIG 2 (repeat) will do. Lotta players talking about “If i just got that hit over whats-his-fuck I woulda won Season 10’s World Series in Brooklyn”. It’s also worth noting that one shouldn’t overlook the sheer physicality it will take to win it all as any PIG squad will have to play a minimum of 9 games over 3 consecutive days. But take a beat to put the PIG and loser jokes on a shelf and you have mad talent in here. Mama Glory and the cards will have all the say and could put together a dream team capable of cosmic-size destruction.