El Wrencher • December 9th, 2017
JET CITY – The Black 2’s made up of The Well Fed Man, Two Socks Dyer and The Mechanic cooked up a postseason masterpiece last last last last last last last Saturday while going like shit through a goose in the 1st YFS Jet City Fall Classic tournament. The Black 2 hopefuls not only drygluched every team they faced but wasn’t in any kind of mood to allow even a single run on them all day. “You should’ve seen the shenanigans the opposing dugouts were pulling to try and get a run across the plate on us…runs disguised as helpless old ladies, out-of-gas roadside damsels, the ole’ spanish prisoner gag...even El Chapo was called in to dig a run-tunnel from 3rd to home that was eventually busted up by Black 2 outfield authorities. “Best way to keep anybody from getting momentum is to to fart in their mouths by catching everything within 50 feet...nothing chloroform’s a dugout like endless inning-after-inning donuts...too much leather, too much stickball intel, too much talent…Those Jet City Black 2’s fuck” remarked a season ticket holder who was sipping a Four Loko and working on his 2003 Civic in the mezzanine parking lot seats.
The Jet City Coliseum that has taken its fair share of criticism over time with its dog shit-forward setup, wetlands, mole holes and rape-friendly blackberry confines turned in a 5-star performance with low 30’s temps, dramatic fog and a stable-footed frosty turf while Jets flew overhead chock with coeds shoving bushy who-whos up against the windows. “I’ve never seen Jet City shine like that...it’s as if the south Seattle reject of a field got another chance and she didn’t waste it” remarked the Well Fed Man who was struggling to get his post game comments to reporters as he was being sucked off and forced into a euro-plated Sprinter van by topless Italian Vogue models. The Well Fed One who was on a strict Rainier tallboy and Hama Hama oyster diet leading up to the JC Classic was nabbed in the player’s parking lot just after hoisting Jet City’s Sr. Puppy Bitch trophy. The models fired off an all-caps email to the league listing their demands which included feeding the Champ lavish meals, heading up daily titty-batting coordination drills and a little before breakfast game that the models were enthusiastically calling “take us all in the ass while eating the torta caprese”.
Two Socks who recently inked a deal with LuLaRoe leggings™ will join up with the legal-troubled company amidst recent pyramid scheme allegations. Much like LuLaRoe the YFS entity also boasts the philosophy “You don’t work for the YFS, the YFS works for you”. “When you’re in the nation's doghouse the best shot at getting a bail-out is to put a current YFS Champion in the mix and throw the dice” remarked the YFS Minister via email. “When I walk in the corporate doors in Corona, CA, first I just put smiles on faces and then I erect nipples that run smack into the backsides of bra cups...I’ve really come to like our leadership group and am optimistic of the financial and foot job opportunities that are in play here” remarked the Jet City World Champion Two Socks Dyer outside of the manicured office park.
“You never forget your first” said El Wrencher about nabbing Jet City’s first World Title from a Winnebago full of rig-screened MILFs who were on the winning side of the postseason promo...“It’s just lunch...with the Wrenchman’s cock and nuts”. The trending online raffle promo exclusively fulfilled by the Make-A-Wish foundation. “it’s just lunch with the wrenchman’s wang and balls in the back of a Winnebago going across country” boasted the website’s landing page. “The idea was to ease the pressures and star-struck anxieties of sitting down and having the choice of a salad or a Bub & Grandma’s ciabat-laced sandwich across the table from the heralded dick and balls that’ve been on the receiving end of 6 YFS World Titles and counting” remarked senior marketing officer Julie Motter who was sneaking in a selfie with the Champ’s banana and plums moments before the first lottery winner’s luncheon. “I love our fans creativity, some just want to facetime with their friends, some want to put the ball bag on their head and wear it like a floppy hat…I never tire of these post championship bus junkets” replied the Wrencher who was on the phone with his agent while his dick and balls wolfed down a salad and regaled winner Stacy Wegman with past championship stories and knee-slapping rarely heard dugout pranks.
Not to be left out are the other 9 Jet City sluggers that couldn’t get their hands on the Sr. Puppy Bitch Trophy this year but are due a tip of the snapback: The Scourge, Chop Shop Mackle, The Daisy Cutter, T-Bop, The Simsonian, The Gazelle, The Seattle Tarheel, Bill Being Bill, X-mas Tree Verharen, Rookie Dave, Rookie Trueblood and The mawfuckin’ HIT KING. True these sluggers couldn't find their post season nuts this year but without their enthusiastic efforts the Jet City Chapter wouldn’t of found its stride in 2017. The YFS Minister is excited for the future of this Chapter and to officially have them in the family. “These athletes have the will and just the right amount of degeneracy…the league looks forward to many of inter-chapter tilts in the upcoming YFS 2018 season.”
Black 2’s: 13 RUNS
Everybody Else: FUCK
The BLACK 2 Jet City World Champs are: Two Socks Dyer, The Well Fed Man @oysterman and The Mechanic @elwrencher
The AINT'S: Chop Shop Mackle, The Scourge, The Simsonian, The Daisy Cutter, Rookie Dave, Bill Being Bill, The Gazelle and T-Bop.
Next game for the YFS Jet City Chapter will happen in the spring with the month-long 2018 Grapefruit T-League starting in March. Opening day is the first Saturday in April. Check your local listings for TV times and exclusive Jet City game ticket packages.