Seadderall • May 19th, 2019
SEATTLE – After the joie de vivre from Jet City's Grapefruit Tits spring training, the YFS loyal Plowboys collectively found themselves battling world travels, fatherhood, tap-dancing for the man and limitless hours hunting for dentures before finding time to officially kick off Season Three “JustSayWhyTheFuckNot” out at JCA. The sun was shining and the grumpy old men were keen to show Hoboken that while sometimes seen as slow, the tortoise can still win the race.
Hours prior to first pitch, Big Bat Bacon was found wide-eyed awaiting in the parking lot all by his lonesome…minus the tasty, yellow booted, sexagenarian harlot smoking outside her '81 Plymouth van. As the Plowboys gathered on a freshly canine fertilized field, multiple oohs and aahs were laid at Mr. Bacon’s feet for his new stickball utensils. Upon detailed inspection of Triple B’s slick homemade sticks The Well Fed Man confirmed all dimensions to meet YFS approval and sadly informed Mr. Bacon that his alias was no longer accurate. "Regulation Bacon" was not thrilled with this discovery.
Heeding HQ's advice the Plowboys summoned Rookie Cecil and Rookie Brad to the show to inject a needed youth movement into the chapter. At 40 and 41 respectively they bring down the average age of the Jet City “athletes” to a ripe 49. Cards were drawn and the duel was set -- Team Black: Christmas Tree, Rookie Brad, Rookie Cecil and 206 Tar Heel vs. Team Red: Bill Being Bill Baerg, Daisy Cutter, The Well Fed Man, Regulation Bacon and T-Bop AKA Caution Cone. Odds coming in from the sports guru at the Gold Bar Gazette had the veteran laden Red team heavily favored.
As TMZ outlets have already expertly reported, Game 1 may go down as one of the most memorable contests in Jet City history. Not necessarily for any stellar play, but for the acute dipshittery on display. The tilt was scoreless until the top of the 3rd when B to the Fourth Power gave team Red a one run lead, due to an out of position Seadderall -- more concerned with recycling a Rainier into the bush over respecting BBBB’s bat-- watched BBBB's Ruthian blast land 3 inches into the bush. A dinger even Landmine could have robbed. Team Black’s rookies exhibited the over-excitement of a 16 year old on prom night. Their eagerness and learning curve to YFS acumen had them out in front of too many pitches, thus challenging one of their teammates on the local consecutive ground-out record. But these rookies had spunk and showed promise. As the game persisted Well Fed Man and T-Bop sprayed singles about the field confusing the analytic shifts, all while hoping Daisy Cutter would drive them in. But manning center, Rookie Brad harnessed many a line drive displaying the soft hands that only a double daily dose of Jergens can provide. Walking into the bottom of the 5th Rookie Brad told his teammates he was ill from his amateur contribution and was going to lead off the inning with a yaya…and that he did! Headed to the Jet City 7th inning stretch we had a 1-1 tie.
Now some might call it premonition or pure luck from how the teams were drawn...but Daisy Cutter had been planning a large ace up his sleeve to derail his main rival from victory. Knowing Seadderall’s love of a toke, he decided to up the ante in hoodwinking his way to victory. Brainstorming and executing like a shorter/fatter MacGyver, D.C. pulled from his trailer of tricks a bottomless 5 gallon water jug, one silicone see-thru tube (approximately as wide as BBB’s new sticks), one full 16 oz. mason jar of a dirty dried strain of Chocolope, some tin foil, duct tape and a detached vacuum from an aerobed. With these tools Daisy manufactured a NASA-approved-space-helmet, reverse-vacuum-death-bong. Like one of Pavlov's pups, 206 Tar Heel drooled at the chance to elasticize his mind during the 7th inside Daisy Cutter's hot box of highs. The volunteer was choked out and immediately teleported to Pluto, the Reds were sure they wouldn’t see any exploits from a crippled Tar Heel. Overly worked and frazzled from babysitting new labor and digging Gorilla Glue out from locks -- all a day's work when launching a new culinary endeavor (Mean Sandwich) -- The Well Fed Man mellowed quickly after his space helmet confrontation. After the guffaw-a-thon the action started up again. Team Red added a run in the 9th from timely hitting with men in scoring position by the WFM but team Black followed with the tying run in the bottom after Daisy Jose Canseco’ed a ball off his hands and into the bush, gifting Rookie Cecil his first YFS homer. Thus the Plowboys pushed to extra innings.
Top 11 and game 1 looked to be over after Daisy Cutter launched the Penn 1 into orbit towards center field. 206 Tar Heel didn't move, but Rookie Brad galloped to the back of the warning track and with outstretched arms and soft, supple hands cradled DC's yellow fur-nut for the final out. Fan's went crazy, Rookie Cecil was tackled and gang tickled by a troupe of trans-gender cheerleaders from Fife who showed up after the bellow of skunk smoke floated over the highway and the Blacks slowly gathered at the plate for one more chance to put a cap on game one. 206 Tar Heel, wobbly from an overdose of his favorite PED, opened the bottom of the 11th with a mouth full of shit talking in multiple tongues, then stepped into the batters box and launched the yellow fuzz deep into the bush providing a game winning walk off much akin to young plump Steve “Bye Bye” Balboni…all while talking shit or maybe it was thanking Daisy Cutter in an alien language.
Game 2 found all of the Plowboys getting into the action as both teams were driving the ball into play around the JCA. Caution Cone gave the Reds a big lift with a 3 run job in the 6th providing a buffer of 4-1. Team Black climbed back into the contest in the 7th with blasts by Christmas Tree and Rookie Cecil. Black threatened the lead with only one out and two runners on, only to see a soft fly ball gathered by a nervous Big Bat Bacon who found himself inches from 2nd base…leading to the easiest double play in YFS history dousing the threat with a well thrown Penn 1. Heading into the 9th Reds had a 5-3 lead and Black threatened once again adding one more run and a runner on with two outs, but fell 5-4. At that point no one really cared as the highlight of the day had already happened and Rookie Cecil was ready to get back to Fife.
G1: B’s 3, R’s 2
G2: R’s 5, B’s 4
HRs: Rookie Cecil: 2 (2), T-Bop: 1, Daisy Cutter: 1, 206 Tar Heel: 1, Christmas Tree: 1, Rookie Brad: 1, BBBB: 1