206 Tar Heel • April 22nd, 2019
SEATTLE - To entertain a notion that the Jet City Plowboys were still riding the 20 foot wave of the jubilant hangover from the grandeur of the Galacticos is an understatement. The dipshittery and overarching oomph received from the commingling of the YFS aided these water logged rim-jobbers into a froth for their first tilt of the 4th season (is this correct?). Nevertheless, the 1st NW Chapter still dons its highly coveted title belt of lethargy by being last to engage in their respective Grapefruit Tits Spring Training..
Big Bat Bacon put the B in subtle with his show of enthusiasm over the past few weeks by purchasing two sticks from HQ, fully customizing with paint jobs and PNW graphics and brazenly bragging to his brethren on his new weaponry only to pull a no show?! Alas, the rest of the Baja alums showed up still nursing the NOLA induced neck and spine problems and to spread the tales of their pharmacia exploits. Not to be outdone by BBB, Daisy Cutter showed up with his own newly tuned toothpick draped in the high gloss Perry Como blue and a personalized inscription on two sides of the stick that answered the oft-repeated question posed by the Federalis at the border crossing. Why Plowboys?...Ask your sister!
Blessed by “good weather” by Jet City standards, the boys arrived to a halfway dry field of dreams but struggled to recall last season’s heated dissent between the Brothers Bibi. Thankful for some semblance of short term memory amongst the chapter, the wise words and measurements of Dontonio were applied, lawn mowers were revved and the powder typically used to cut Colombia’s GDP was laid down the lines to provide zero arguments over a foul ball. Teams were drawn and the season opener was on its way -- Team Black: The Infamous Landmine, The “Real” Casper, Christmas Tree and Rose City Steve vs. Team Red: Bill Being Bill Baerg, 206 Tar Heel, Daisy Cutter and T-Bop aka Caution Cone. The sportswriters from the Burien Bugle in unification with the freshly shorn groupies bussed in from Sequim had their money on team Red with three of the Baja Boys ready to show off what they learned in the land of tacos and honey.
Game 1 of the doubleheader quickly revealed the rust of the off season. Displaying the clutchness of Detlef Schrempf in the playoffs, Team Red stranded the bases loaded in three of the first five innings of play. Not to be outdone in futility, Team Black left ducks on the pond out of the few measly singles they could conjure. Just as the groupies and die-hard aficionados made their way to the Jet City Arena exits out of complete boredom Team Black found some O in the 6th inning aided by Rose City Steve’s yaya into the left field bush. Down 4-0 headed into the 7th inning stretch, Daisy Cutter and Caution Cone lamented 206 Tar Heel’s Rastafarian religious traditions that follow the fan’s suspect rendition of Take Me Out to The Ballgame. “We’ve seen this show before…our boy Seadderall thinks he’s on the cream and the clear”. Going into the 8th and eager to prove his PEDs of choice, Tar Heel and T-Bop roped singles to be followed by the rare Jet City double off the splinter of Bill Being Bill Baerg breaking up the shutout pitched by their own arms. With one last ditch effort in the top of the 9th 206 Tar Heel was momentarily transported from his haze when slightly paying heed to the instruction of Redman’s Time 4 Some Aksion playing over the arena’s hi-fi and lifted a two run job into the bush. Alas, the stifling defense of Team Black culled the rally and hopes were dashed soon after as Team Red Dennis Eckersley’ed themselves into being shut down the rest of the inning. Final Score 4-3 Team Black.
Following a healthy diet of Vitamin R’s, beef jerky and Chili Cheese Fritos between games the Plowboys were ready to get the sticks cracking in game 2. Apparently the stickball Yahwehs didn’t think this was prudent. A lack of offense and questionable defense was the theme of the contest…that and a healthy dose of Jet City shit talk. Newly sporting capri pants (or maybe they were culottes) Rose City Steve transferred the ire and potential undertones of homophobia from the opposition and laid a canary yellow Penn deep in the bush in the top of the first. Followed by a second manufactured run in the second inning and their defensive all-star the boys in black were on their way. Casper and Christmas Tree were so confident in this two run lead that they lit up their victory cigars in the 3rd inning. And why not…Landmine’s athletic prowess was on full display as he fully lived up to his nickname and found himself on his knees more often than a consenting Walla Walla Tinder-4-Pay date, all while reeling in 42% of the balls hit his way. Local esteemed Physiologist Dr. Aditya Kabir who has been conducting intense studies on Landmine since the inception of the YFS in Jet City, concluded that it is physically impossible for the man to even attempt a routine catch on a pop-up without hitting the ground. Team Red has asked league officials if wearing batting gloves in the field of play is an infraction of defensive YFS rules? Trying to stifle the wafting clouds of finely rolled Cuban tobacco T-Bop got his team momentarily aroused after his solo round tripper in the 4th with the prospect that his teammates might come alive. As the game ground to an offensive halt Daisy Cutter kept his team in the game with a rare showing of effort from his center field lemonade stand. With Team Black having men on base, a deep shot to his area code gave D.C. a sudden jolt of athleticism not unlike a baby Dik Dik avoiding a kill in the Serengeti. As he neared the blackberry bramble the Cutter robbed a sure fire home run with the aid of his YFS cap. Still within one run striking distance the rest of the game would devolve into further personal interrogations hollered from the field of play and yield no further runs. Final Score 2-1 Team Black.
Postgame the Plowboys mended their competitive differences and vowed to return to the Jet City Arena sooner than a double-secret probation ruling could be meted out by the league offices.
G1: R’s: 4, B’s: 3
G2: R’s: 2, B’s: 1
HRs: Rose City Steve: 2, T-Bop: 1, 206 Tar Heel: 1