Big Bat Bacon • June 22nd, 2020
JET CITY – The rain stained northwest corner of Metsger #203, known to YFS loyalists as Jet City Arena, found its name among the few public toilets listed on our Dear Leader’s Phase 1.675 “allowed open” decree, and The Plowboys moved quickly to drag aside the smoldering tires, sand bags, garbage, and razor wire Pandemic barrier to tilt central -- Melee Season On. The E-wickiknowitalldickbag defines Melee as a confused mass of people. When we’re talking JCP, it’s easy enough to hard stop right there. But, in the details revealed is a depth of dipshittery shared as not just this season’s name, but it’s purpose.
Monday night’s alibi Melee tilt welcomed four Rookie ball sacks to the JCA; Rookie Jeff, Rookie Ben, Rookie Chris, and Rookie Casey. Combined, this complement of prementstals drag down average Plowboy sun circles from 50-odd to a 40-ish. Successful Melee pre-season recruiting offers glimmers of glory in future YFS invitationals knowing that Jet City can Represent even while a bench load of the hobbled Antiques Roadshow regulars are chewing up Xanibars, and Ibebrokens on the sidelines. Today, however, like the smell of Daisy Cutter’s BenGay lathered ankle, the Plowboys took the field at full strength.
The pulling of the cards: Reds - Well Fed Man; Tbop, Seadderal, Rookie Ben. Blacks - Daisy Cutter, Big Bat Bacon, Rookie Chris, Rookie Casey, Rookie Jeff.
Game 1: On paper, the detailed stat sheets suggested an even tilt. Historically heavy bats on both sides, aged experience offset by rookie overconfidence, and nothing but wildcards on the mound. Yet, the numbers lie. While half empty jets passed overhead, so too did the Red’s power shot dingers. This was not a stat sheet peppered with singles and the odd double, but solo shot after neck bending shot deep past the blackberry shielded perimeter of the JCA. The hard work put in stick stroking during the COVID alone time clearly paid off as Tbop dialed in a hat-trick, Seadderal found 1, Well Fed lit up his “you never forget your first one” virgin shot, and Rookie Ben launched 5 moon shots all 2 run dingers leading Seadderal to start calling Rookie Ben - “Double Meat”. The Blacks served up their own helping of taters; 1 from Daisy, Rookie Chris with 2, And BiG Bat with1. Even with a practically impenetrable defense, there was simply nothing the Black could do to stop the Red air raid. Final score: Red 15, Black 7.
Game 2: With the sirens from SeaTac quieting down after being set off by Red satellite launches in game 1, this game settled into a pitcher's duel. Both sides’ mound monkeys chalked up impressive K’s. The Blacks finally found some gold in Rookie Jeff as he laid up a few choice meatballs for Rookie Chris who notched yet another ding dong to tie up at 9-9 top of the ninth. With Reds up swinging in the bottom of the inning, with 2 outs, they rode their Rookie Ben with his final homer to sink the rallying Black. Final Score: Red 9, Black 7
With that, Season Melee is Open
HRs: Well Fed Man; 1, Notorious BOP; 3, Seadderal; 3, Rookie Ben; 7, Rookie Chris; 4, Daisy Cutter; 2, Big Bat Bacon; 2, Rookie Jeff; 1