The Intern • April 21, 2018
LOS ANGELES – While the Steven Hawkings (RIP) of the world know it intellectually, only those who have ever argued their dicks off over the legitimacy of a would-be single bloop or felt their heart rip out of their chest thanks to unfavorable trade winds stomping a burgeoning glory boner into the dust, truly know the weight of the wisdom in the cliched phrase "stickball is a game of inches."
Saturday was a clear reminder of that truth for each of the 14 glorious sacks of man meat (both rook and vet alike) who convened with one common goal- to launch tennis ball after tennis ball over a chain link fence directly into an 8 year old's birthday party.
With fate dictating the teams, the Blacks enjoyed a pull that assembled a cabal of vets - The Surgeon, The Intern aka Kid Charlemagne, Raw Dog and Big Weds AKA Overdrive set the example for Rookie Alex W, Rookie Connor B AKA Easy Up and Rookie Colby P AKA CUTZ.
The Reds were led by the cantankerous Golf Shots aka Accounting Andy AKA The Yeast Infection, Time Machine, and long time vets Motorboat and the nickname-less Rookie Matt M with Rookies Peter F, Rookie Jeff D and Rookie rounding out the side.
The jam packed outfield signaled a defensive battle, and the first victim to this struggle was Motorboat, who took a valiant dive into the unforgiving Blacktop Beach, and earned himself a patch of new scars to impress any soul lucky enough to be planted on the barstool next to him at his local haunt. In the bottom of the fourth though, the major league swing of the Surgeon broke the 0-0 deadlock with a solo shot that no doubt sent shivers down the spines of every malcontent bogging mother in a 500 yard radius.
From there, the Blacks continued to pour it on with another dinger from the Surgeon- despite every effort by Golf Shotz to even the score through the age old tactics of arguing every call, even if he had no idea what he was talking about.
The Reds managed to manufacture a single run in the top of the seventh, but that was quickly answered by the blacks and the first game was in the bag with the Blacks walking off the quadrangle W in hand.
The second game saw much the same- close calls, and the resulting arguments from Golf Shotz that feed the competitive juices of most any stickballer worth the crusted salt on his brow. But it also showcased the marked improvement from rookies Alex W, Peter F, and Jeff D who all flashed signs of greatness that is sure to come. A 1-1 tie resulting from an overdue jack from Accounting Andy was blasted apart in the top of the 6th with a timely bomb from Raw Dog as well as a barrage of tactical hitting from the rest of the Blacks that could have been much worse had that damn ball squeaked just an inch further off the bat of The Intern and cleared the chain link rather than ricocheting back into the field of play.
But alas, as Noam Chomsky and many other great minds have said, Stickball is a game of inches.
G1: B: 4 R: 1
G2: R: 5 R: 1
HR's: Surgeon: 2, Raw Dog: 2, Golf Shotz: 1