Salary • December 12th, 2020
ROSARITO – In 1948, after returning from world war two, Glen Bell opened a Hamburger stand in San Bernardino California. Next door to his hamburger stand was a Mexican family owned restaurant named La Mila, which was constantly busy selling its hard shell tacos. After witnessing the success of this family run business, Glen Bell struck up a friendship with the owners of la Mila and eventually they showed him the secret to their taco success.
In 1962 Glen took that recipe and started selling his own tacos in Downey California, at the first ever Taco Bell. Decades later Taco Bell boasts over 7000 locations worldwide.
Not one is in Mexico.
In 2002, Yum Brands, the parent company of Pepsi Co and Taco Bell, introduced an exclusive variant of Mountain Dew specially formulated to taste great with Taco Bell’s food. It is known as Baja Blast and described it in the press release as a “Tropical Lime Storm.”
175 miles south of Los Angeles, near Puerto Nuevo Mexico, is another restaurant of note named Dimitry’s Original La Fonda, (Dimitry’s Original was added in 1987 after Gary’s La Fonda located another 25 miles south opened and Dimitry’s was worried they would lose business to the upstart.)
Dimitry's business model seems to be an exact inversion of Taco Bell’s. Whereas Taco Bell took an authentically Mexican idea, and Americanized it to the point that it could not survive in Mexico itself, La Fonda has taken a completely American Idea of the supper club, and attempted to present an exact replica of it in Mexico. Here white American retirees sit at linen clothed tables eating dinners of pork loin rolls with gravy, apple sauce and mashed potatoes, surf and turf, and pot roast white a trio of German lounge musicians perform American Standards and the traditional American Happy Birthday song is sung by waiters to 14 year olds who even here, hundreds of miles from the American border, still feel the embarrassment that someone they know might witness it.
In 2019 six Tinseltown Funboys and two members of the Brooklyn Mothership came to Mexico with a goal that would necessarily entail nothing less than the subversion of the American Cultural Imperialism perpetrated for decades by the Dimitry's, Garys and Glen Bells of the world.
Like the US and Chinese Olympic Ping Pong Teams of 1971 that played each other in an exhibition that thawed cold war tensions between the two global powers, the members of YFS LA and NY played against and with the members of YFS Rosarito in a series of games that would give new meaning to the phrase Baja Blast.
On paper, the goal of the weekend was to emerge as the victor of a double elimination tournament played between LA and Mexican teams as well as two teams comprised of both Mexican and US players. But the real aim of the weekend was southing much larger.
It doesn’t matter that a Rosarito squad that was handpicked to feature its All Stars in La Bomba, Fuck Mañana, El Toro, and Rookie Michael won the whole thing.
It doesn’t matter that the LA squad featuring the available Salary, JEFF, Katfish and The Deal got shelled 22-12 by the Mexicans the first game despite JEFF going yard twice and The Deal and Katfish also jacking mermaid killers.
It doesn’t matter that somehow the New York sluggers Surgeon and Fart Cop got placed on the same Reds team that also featured La Bomba’s lil bro La Bombita as well as The Puppetmaster who spent his whole day hitting opposite field doubles while the Surgeon, Bombita and Fart cop rocked a combined 8 home runs including a Surgeon Grand Slam to produce a mercy rule victory over the Blacks team 17-0.
It doesn’t matter that the same LA team that scored 12 runs in their first game then went on to generate exactly one hit in their second game against the Blacks and lost one of the most poorly played games of stickball ever 1-0.
It doesn’t matter that the Reds, after scoring 17 runs in their first game, and the Mexicans scoring 22 in theirs, totaled all of 7 runs combined in their ensuing matchup which was won by the Mexicans thanks to El Toro’s two right field cliff sitters.
And it doesn’t matter that after summarily beating the Blacks again 11-4 thanks to another Surgeon Grand Slam, the Reds lost to the Mexican All Stars in the championship game 10-3.
Rosarito’s Commissioner, El Toro said it best - all that matters are the guys on the field.
The fact that eight dipshits from all across America got together with eight dipshits from Mexico and spent the day forging bonds on that mucky, sloppy mud field that looks out at the Pacific, over a game that we all love, is what matters.
After all the tacos cooked by Pantera Rosa and Puppetmaster were eaten, after all the Indios and tequila were drunk, after the hot tub cooled off, after the toilet flooded the entire villa, and the federales shook us down for 200 dollars, the lesson every stickballer lucky enough to spend his weekend on that beach learning was apparent to all -
A real Baja blast isn’t just something that can be put in a cup exclusively at a taco bell, a real Baja blast is what happens when you share the stupid game you love with fellow dinguses who love it too.
Quarterfinal 1
LA: Salary, Katfish, The Deal, JEFF
Rosarito: El Toro, Fuck Manana, La Bomba, Rookie Miguel
LA: 12, Rosarito: 22
HRs: El Toro 3, La Bomba 3, JEFF 2, The Deal 1, Katfish 1, Fuck Manana 1, Rookie Michael 1
Quarterfinal 2
Reds: Fart Cop, Surgeon, La Bombita, Puppet Master
Blacks: Pitufo (Smurf), Pantera Rosa, Rookie Rigo, El Borracho
Reds 17, Blacks 0 (Six Inning Mercy Rule)
HRs: Bombita 3, Surgeon 3 (GS), Fart Cop 2
LOSERS Quarterfinal
Blacks: 1, LA: 0
HRs: Rookie Rigo 1
WINNERS Semifinal
Reds: 2, Rosarito 5
HRs: Toro 2
LOSERS Semifinal
Reds: 11, Blacks: 4
HRs: Surgeon 1 (GS), Pitufo: 2
FINAL
Reds: 3, Rosarito: 10
HRs: Rookie Michael 2