Comrade Killer • April 27nd, 2019
PORTLAND – RUSSIA – THE SUPREME LEADER BLESSED THIS APRIL DAY WITH SUN. 19 KRUSHERS SHOWED UP TO KRUSH BALL. THE POLITBURRO: JET CITY'S DAISY CUTTER, LANDMINE, AND B-4 FROM SEATTLE, CITY IN RUSSIA. COMRADES ROSÉ, REGULATOR, AND SKIDMARK AND ROOKIE JUSTIN ATTEND THE FIRST GAME OF SEASON. COMRADE LANDMINE SAID WORDS: "THAT KID WAS SKINNIER THAN YOU AT THAT AGE," IN APPARENT JAB AT DAISY CUTTER HAVING WITNESSED AN UNIMPRESSIVE CHILD ON A BICYCLE. INTERLOPER KNOWN AS OLD WHITE WOMAN WITH DOG AND BAGS OF DOG SHIT MADE THREEPEAT APPEARANCE THOUGH FEW WORDS WERE EXCHANGED. SHE DEPOSITED DOG SHIT INTO TRASHCAN AND MADE WINCY SMILE FACE INDICATING SHE WAS NOT HAPPY IN HER HEART. IF ONLY SHE KNEW THE GLORY OF STICKBALL.
FIRST GAME WAS 9 v 10. HAMMER MET SICKLE WHEN LOBSTER AND BIG TRIP BOPPED A BOLSHEVIK BOMB EACH BUT THE TSARIST SCORE WOULD NOT BUDGE BEYOND 2-1, HEARTS. THE DIAMOND PROLES ATTEMPTED REVOLUTION TO TIE UP THE GAME BUT ALAS THEIR PROLETARIOT PROPAGANDA PALED UNDER THE STEADFAST LOYALTY OF THE ILLUMINOUS HEARTS TO WHOM THE SUPREME LEADER FAVORED.
BRIEF INTERMISSION TO PURGE INFIDELS. THE POLITBURRO LOST 4 SLUGGERS TO GULAG. THEIR SCREAMS ACCOMPANIED THE REST OF THE DAYS EVENTS, BRINGING SMILE TO THOSE LOYAL TO SUPREME LEADER. AFTER TEAM SHAKEUP, GAME COMMENCE.
BOLSHEVIK BOMBS WERE BARELY BEATEN, ONLY BELONGING TO COMRADE DAISY CUTTER. THE INEFFECTIVE AND OVERWORKED PENN TENNIS BALLS WERE TAKEN BEHIND SHED AND "TAKEN CARE OF" WITH BULLET. DESPITE GLORIOUS SIXTH INNING COMEBACK, THE DIAMONDS WERE MASSACRED 6 - 1 BY THE LOYAL HEARTS TO CURRY POLITICAL FAVOR WITH SUPREME LEADER. UNFORTUNATELY FOR HEARTS, THIS LOOKED TOO MUCH LIKE POWER GRAB AND THEY TOO WERE PURGED.
DA, GOOD GAME.
HEARTS: SKIDMARK, REGULATOR, LOBSTER, LANDMINE, B-4, WILL, ROSÉ, BIG STEVE, ALWAYS ON
DIAMONDS: AI, HAMMER, BIG TRIP, DAISY CUTTER, JUNGLE JOOSE, HOV, SERIAL KILLER, R JUSTIN, R BEN, R KIP
GAME 1: H2, D1
GAME 2: H6, D1
BOMBS: TRIP 1 (10); DAISY CUTTER 1 (1); LOBSTER 1 (1)
BOMBS: TRIP 1 (10); DAISY CUTTER 1 (1); LOBSTER 1 (1)
DISSIDENTS ASSASINATED: HAMMER 3; LANDMINE 2; SERIAL KILLER 19