The Son of Stickball • April 13th, 2019
PORTLAND - The Pacific Northwest met the Rose City Slams with its signature on-and-off "make-ya-wet" drizzle. This did little to dampen the spirits of Rose City's best, however, and despite The Wanderer living up to his namesake and wandering off somewhere (our "missing Link"), and The Outdoorsman probably fucking around outdoors, the rain couldn't scare away Cricket and Big Steve from showing up to play their first game of the season. Pre-game tension ran high as an interloper known as "old white lady with dog" came by to chastise the team for haphazardly leaving Penn balls in the street after too many dingers last week. Jungle Joose worked her charm and the interloper vanished after depositing two fresh sacks of dogshit into the trashcan.
As the rain fell, the Penns began throwin' and the Hamm's began flowing. Rookie Always On was flashing his virgin wood, a pristine Fiasco Time hot off the press and expedited from El Wrencher himself. Once the swings were in and the cards were drawn, it was game on. Despite the Serial Killer's chicken scratch and rain damaged score keeping-- and you'd think he'd have more handwriting practice, having written all of those nefariously lewd and violent fantasies to senators and local newspapers bragging about his exploits-- one can salvage the score and deduce that it was neck and neck with Hearts trailing the Diamonds by a single point. Diametrically opposed nemeses emerged: wherever Trip sent his ball, Cricket would snap it out of the air, like fleas from a rabid dog. Alternatively, Trip was covering the ground like said rabid dog (covered in ground) stealing glory from Robo, Serial Killer, and Cricket at every turn, preventing the score from evening out. Robo smacked a loud, would-be-doubler, but Big Trip, like some bearded Dhalsim stretched his arm out and laid out in the mud, ball in hand. The bottom of Inning 8 began with a bang when Always On (with a chubby for his new wood) slammed his first bomber to open things up. Joose put some Juice in her swing and got a baserun, followed by Big Steve putting some heat on the ball and sending a laser just out the reach of Killer's hat, only for Big Trip to slam four runners across the plate in a 5-run inning. The slaughter was complete after Hearts' failure to match 7 runs at the top of the 9th.
After a quick intermission and Jungle Joose and Robo's departure, game two commenced with a jovial "Fuck Rain" attitude. However, this left Cricket and Serial Killer alone to defend themselves against the bloodthirsty Diamonds, who were now horny for that W. While Serial Killer ended his love affair with the pavement and lasered some base runs, Cricket's loud flies were caught by Trip's huge goddamn hands. The innings passed quickly as Trip suckered two bombs in the third inning and while Killer was able to compensate for his height and hopped to catch one of Trip's short flies, and Always On and Big Steve got some reliable base runs, the game was set at 5-0 and stayed that way for the remaining three innings of the rematch, as the mud created a of no-man's land through which no ankles were safe, and thus the game ended on inning 6, Diamonds taking it all, everyone sighing with the satisfaction that only comes from a planet-shattering orgasm or dominating an enemy with a stick and a ball.
Hearts: Serial Killer, Cricket, Robo
Diamonds: Big Trip, Always On, Jungle Joose, Big Steve
Game 1: H 1; D 7
Game 2: H 0; D 5
Bombs: Big Trip 4(6); Always On 1(1)