The Son of Stickball • May 12th, 2019
PORTLAND – Your favorite sluggers from Rose City decided again to have an evening tilt so as to leave the morning open for Mother's Day brunch-- which, for the moms of these legends, amounted to ripping fat lines of dirty blow and cranking margaritas by the pitcher. As the mother's milk of Hamm's began flowing, the competitive edge settled into the hearts of our Penn crushers and pregame conversation devolved into an argument of whose mom had the illest sweater yams. Brody Lite Lime blew them all out the water when he arrived (late) still gakked to his ears from brunch at the stripclub. "Yeah, they kicked us out once ma got on the pole and made more money than the regulars." It gave everyone pause to reflect on the beauty of motherhood.
The game started with a bang as the Hearts' Wanderer and Big Trip scored two runs. "Your mother raised a coward," Wanderer muttered to Diamond Serial Killer. But SK, despite a lack of dingers, played perhaps his best game of the season, batting ~800. Big Steve, SK, and JOOSE sent beaters with Booyakasha's heaters and quickly brought the Diamonds ahead by one point in the bottom of the first. Always On, Regulator, and Brody Lite Lime devised a dizzying dipshit plan of placing balls in the field deep left and then deep right, tightening up the Hearts' score. Diamond-side wasn't having any of that shit and quickly retaliated with JOOSE knocking a triple to send two homies across the plate. That's when Big Trip, full of mommy mojo, began a streak of homeruns, totalling five Hellsinkis by the end of the game. The usually humble Trip was indecent about this, reportedly screaming, "LICK MY SALTY TUNACAN YOU LACKLUSTER JAG-LACKEYS," which was shocking and, frankly, disappointing as his mother did not raise her son to speak such foul language. SK dove for one of Always On's tricky little lasers, biffing the catch but keeping on brand to keep the game as bloody as possible. Booyah hit his first dinger of the season in the 9th inning to make the score less embarrassing, only to Freudian slip a "Thanks, Mom," when Joose congratulated him on the cut. Covered in blood, dirt and spilled beer, the Diamonds couldn't dig themselves out of the ditch and died with a final score of 16-7, Hearts.
The Interloper called in to say she couldn't make it and subbed in her replacement, OLD WHITE MAN WITH DOG. The Dog, Darling, a mother in her own right, entertained our teams with grace and beauty as her owner puppeteered her little dog legs to dance to MOP's "Ante Up." Regulator, BLL, and Big Steve all agreed that they were "too high for this shit," and backed out of the second game, leaving it to a classic 3 v 3.
The Diamonds were off to a good start with Booyah sending another bomb over the wall in the first inning, only for Big "Sorry My Giant Baby Frame Wrecked the Wainscoting of Your Womb" Trip to retaliate with a dinger of his own. And then another. A worried Wanderer gulped down the possibility of his mother learning that he didn't hit a single dinger on Mother's Day (for fuck's sake) and quickly remedied the notion with a gift wrapped in ribbons of glory. The Diamonds mounted a formidable defense-- SK running half a field to catch Trip's "non-homers," and Booyah and JOOSE throwing themselves selflessly into the wall to stop some triples-- but when the sun started slacking, the Diamonds seriously started sucking sack at the bat and the game was called at inning 6 with a score of 5-1, Hearts.
Hearts: Always On, Wanderer, Big Trip, Brody Lite Lime, Regulator
Diamonds: Big Steve, Serial Killer, JOOSE, Booyakasha
G1: H16, D7
G2: H5, D1
HRs: Big Trip: 7(21), Booyah: 2(2), Wanderer: 1(9)