The Wanderer • April 11th, 2019
PORTLAND – It is clear by now that this newly minted YFS Chapter has been painstakingly crafted to ensure non body part-discriminatory pleasures for all of its sluggos as they suit up each week to pursue victory in the war on the unfun.
How was opening day you ask? Well, i'll tell ya – shit be wavy, real wavy. Eggplant Peen™️ Pre-Season lady bombs from Jungle Juice and Rosé in the same game, same inning has paved the way for tidal-waviness levels of waves in Rose City’s Season 2. In addition, Quidditch World Cup aka The Galacticos participants are still rocking a fairly thick coat of WTF HOLY SHIT shellac after the 5 day MexiCali surf trip and were feeling moi caliente for the days action.
“I’ve been on a steady diet of Ramen packets, Pepto Bismol and Jack Kerouac since returning” claims a snip from the Instagram handle @overheardNikeHQ that the Outdoorsmen has taken claim to since returning from MX.
In addition to Lifestlyz®️ 'the premium experiential journey' guiding season two - Big Trip has kicked off his Cans for Penns™️ initiative. The recy-cool big kid has pledged to collect Hamms tall cans and save ‘em up for future Penns acquisitions, keeping Portland gleaming and the steady stream of Rose City flavored androgynous glory rolling at the same time.
And as if there isn’t enough going on in Rose City this season, the Chapter has begun keeping record of each and every at bat. The Wanderer and his merry gang got through last season's fog without hardly knowing who was on their team most days if we are being honest. Nobody actually seemed to care though as long as the Hamms were flowing and Penns were flying.
The hard 180 in stat keeping will prove a tall order to keep consistent throughout the season however, but the gang is excited about the new sabremetric approach. A quick shoutout is also in order for the NOLA Chapter's, Red Menace for his record keeping inspo and pro tips.
And finally if you are reading this and have 9-15 years experience in 'stats' and are motivated by a salary of all you can drink Hamms Talls as well as seconds on Big Trips cigs, the Chapter is currently accepting resumes for a part time position.
Season 2 rolls on with the gang focused on keeping it dumb, hazy (unless you doing stats), #tidalwavy and mucho huevos rancheros caliente.
HEARTS: Serial Killer, Lobster, Outdoorsmen, JJ
DIAMONDS: Big Trip, The Wanderer, R. Kyle, R. Zac
G1: D 14, H 6
G2: D 7, H 3
BOMBS: The Wanderer 3 (3), Big Trip 2 (2)