The Son of Stickball • May 5th, 2019
ROSE CITY – It was Cinco de Mayo at the Abernethy yard and the Galacticos veterans were sipping tequila and crushing cervezas, talking up the legends on the Rosarito team and casually mansplaining how you ask for chips in Spanish -- much to the chagrin and boldfaced jealousy of the rest of the Rose City dipshits. But what's this? Why, it's Daisy Cutter making a repeat appearance due to the credit card he left at the bar last week. And he brought that no good stoner 206 Tar Heel (AKA Seatterall) along with him. "Jesus Ass-Eating Christ," muttered just about everyone. Also making an appearance was the interloper OLD WHITE WOMAN WITH DOG who paced back and forth on the edge of the field no doubt undressing the legends on the field with her eyes. She could not muster the courage to ask any of the players out for a little of the old Cinco de Mayo "Gazpacho" (if you, dear reader, follow my meaning) and soon disappeared, undoubtedly moist and disappointed. Due to a total of 16 dipshits showing up, three teams were pulled so as to prevent, in the Lobster's own words, "any degens shitting all over my glory."
Game One - Hearts v Diamonds
Things got cracking quick and dirty as the teams opened the day up with threats to date the other team's mothers. Rookie Ammerman was rumored to say, "I know a quaint little Bed and Breakfast on the coast that's super affordable." This enraged The Panther to taunt, "I have a Groupon for a Salsa dancing class." With tempers blazing, the Baja Blast Bombs began blowing in from the South. The Lobster broke the levy first, followed by a three-run bomb by the Wanderer. A clutch RBI from Rosé and a pretty dinger from Big Trip weren't enough to rally the score which was hence chiseled into the Abernethy pavement at 7-2, Diamonds.
Game Two - Hearts v Black
Galled by their defeat, the Hearts pulled their chins up and sallied forth with a misplaced sense of confidence, taunting Team Black mercilessly. "They're more of a cartoon show than a real team," Joose commented. Rosé added, "Yeah, a cartoon show about sucking at stickball." Nice. Yet, Rookie Tommy turned out to be a natural pitcher but more impressively, the grotesque athleticism Daisy Cutter displayed led to two homers and an immaculate catch in which the Bearded Oompa-Loompa jumped an entire seven inches from the ground to catch a would-be-triple. The Panther retaliated with a dinger of his own but it was too late for a rally and thus Black took the game 5-2.
Game Three - Black v Diamonds
"They got lucky," muttered some Skidmark from the Diamond team. However, the third game took a slow start of 14 consecutive outs. Some will later claim that this was intentional to torque the tension of the game when, in the third inning, The Wanderer, Rookie Ammerman, and the Lobster sent three dingers in a ROW back to God. Hats were thrown into the dirt as Diamonds celebrated. Rookie "Hammer" Ammerman beat his chest like a deranged Donkey Kong. In a sudden rally in the fourth inning, the Black team loaded their bases and with two outs, the Serial Killer walked up to the plate with a particular victim in mind: the score. The Son of Stickball slew the Penn ball skyward in a no-doubter EL CHORIZO GRANDE, screaming "WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES WANTS TO DANCE WITH DEATH?!" before getting carried off by his team and spectators. Daisy Cutter, moved to tears by the performance, added another roof ornament, followed by Rookie Tommy's loud triple-- only for Tommy to swing a ding-dong-ditchin'-dinger the next inning, resulting in Team Black taking all of the onions with a score of 9-4.
Game Four - Hearts v Diamonds
After most people got their nut with the last few games, some cowards fucked off while the rest stuck around to play a lethargic fourth round with new teams and some riffraff. No bombs were hit and the score was a paltry 1-0, but it's worth mentioning if only for the LARPers that arrived to play in the opposite field. The only adult in the group, an old man dubbed "Master Roshi" by Rookie Andy, rolled a 20 for "Having DickShit for Brains" and slapped his face into the ground, rendering himself unconscious. While Rose and Jet City members were quick to assist the poor guy, there's something about an old man covered in blood around a bunch of bewildered dorks that really speaks to the spirit of sportsmanship.
Hearts: Skidmark, Wanderer, R. Ammerman, Lobster, Regulator
Diamond: Tarheel, Rosé, Big Trip, R. Justin, the Panther, Jungle Joose
Black: A.I., Daisy Cutter, Always On, Serial Killer, R. Tommy
G1: D:7 H:2
G2: B:5 H:2
G3: B:9 D:4
G4: D:1 H:0
HRs: Daisy Cutter; 4, Lobster; 2, Wanderer; 2, Big Trip; 1, Panther; 1, Ammerman; 1, Serial Killer; 1 (GS), Tommy; 1