The Intern • June 8th, 2019
SANTA MONICA – The first thing everyone noticed as they strutted onto the tarmac of Blacktop Beach for YFSLA's inaugural Championship was the cryptic arrangement of rocks along the first base line. A small field of stones the size of a small child's fist appeared there as if by magic. Perhaps enterprising raccoons engaged in some sort of primitive version of Othello. Or maybe Ryler, that perfect son belonging to Cynthia's friends had laid them down as an ominous message to the stalwarts of YFSLA.
Whatever that message was, whether a cry for help, or warning, it didn't concern the Tinsel Town Fun Boys who could give two fucks about Ryler or Cynthia or anyone else for that matter. Today The Salesman, YFSLA's Championship Trophy, was on the line.
After The Deal lined the field with a makeshift chalk-dispenser fashioned out of a gas station big-gulp thermos that had holes drilled in its base, gaffers tape, and a couple stickball bats, the tourney favorite Spades AKA The Spades consisting of JEFF AKA JEFF, GOLF SHOTZ, RAW DOG, CUTZ and COUNTRY CLUB took the field against the tourney underdog C-words AKA EZ Ups Marauders consisting of FAN BOAT nee THE GAME (a nickname so generic and devoid of the flair this stickballer possesses the YFSLA management has dubbed it "Lame") DARK WEB, BAT MIDDLER, and THE NOREASTER in a matchup that all predicted would end in a not-so-gentle curb stomping for EZ's boys.
But anyone who's been alive since 2016 knows predictions don't amount to a pile of rejected asylum visas in today's world. Taking cues from some major "Fuck You" Fan Boat swagger, BM and DW picked up their sticks and went to work, smacking one baggers at a time while the Nor'easter swatted shots all over the field, leaving Fan Boat with one job- clean up the bases. In the fourth inning that's exactly what he did when he swatted a Long and Tall that placed the underdog Marauders on top with a two run lead over a Spades team that may have been overlooking their first round competition. And once EZ's men saw victory in their grasp, they did what any stickballer worth the sweat on his nuts would do- they stomped on the opposing team's throat with a 4 run 7th that included a three run John From Cincinnati courtesy of Fan Boat and a meaty triple from Noreaster. By this point, the nerves of the Spades were frayed- and if there's one thing that should have been clear on Pride Day, it's that if you're playing from behind, you best not do it tight. After that decisive seventh, the butt puckered Spades mustered two more runs thanks to a Deep Jammer from Cutz and a solo Shamalama Bing Bang from YFSLA's own Professional Wrestler, Country Club. But the damage was already done at the hands of a feisty underdog Clubs team that showed the rest of YFS just how deep our Great Basin of Talent runs. The Clubs claimed the first ever YFSLA playoff game.
The Underdog Clubs advanced to the Finals to face the winner of the second game against the Heartbreak Kids (THE INTERN, MOTORBOAT, PUPPETMASTER, ROOKIE TIM, THE ALGORITHM) and the D-Bags (KATFISH, BABY BOI, THE DEAL, LOTHARIO, DR BIG DICK) . This one was barely worth the ink this screed would have used had we been in olden times. The Hearts were off from the start, mustering a grand total of four hits throughout the entire game, including one late inning solo Fanpleaser from the only true rookie of the Tourney - Rookie Tim AKA Starfish. And despite exemplary fielding from The Intern AKA Salary (a nickname bestowed from Katfish and DSS brass) who returned the favor K-dady's shiney new nickname gift by hoovering up every Katfish looper that didn't jump the fence, the D-Holes rode the long ball prowess of The Lothario AKA Laverne & Shirley and Dr Big Dick to an easy semifinals victory.
After Bat Middler fed the Fun Boys with Godmothers from Bay Cities, EZ's Marauders stepped onto the field to continue their cinderella run against The Kat Daddies in YFSLA's first ever Championship series. Aside from an opening inning Smashbuger from El Doctor Manguera Grande, Game 1 suffered from a combination of nerves and sandwich digestion as the Club of Fan Boat only hammered one Fantastic Jam to the cheapies- leaving the underdog EZs one run short after the 9th inning closed. Game 1 went to the Red Sharps.
After an intermission Limp Dick that salved the wounds of the Spades, who collectively knocked out more Birthday Party Spoilers than anyone cares to remember, the day progressed to game two of the finals.
The D-Faces brought their A game to this one. Sr. Mucho Penis tagged another Yard Jumper while the rest of the Blood Diamonds offered small ball run support led by The Deal who just kept hammering. And even though EZ's marauders put up a valiant effort, led by a playoff best third jack from Fan Boat, the underdogs would not have their day. The Diamonds shined like Tinsel and gave Katfish arguably the most important championship of his long and storied career.
With the first season of YFSLA in the rear view, the boys of blacktop beach will take the summer to reflect on a season that brought with it a mountain of glory and challenge, while looking to the glowing future of a new season and an ever growing stickball squadron of dedicated dipshits who want nothing more than to mash taters over the fence and crisp their pasty skin under the LA sun with a Modelo in hand.
This summer YFSLA will spend its ample resources and energy prospecting for an East Side Option that can accommodate our growing and ever-more-fervant ranks who will wait in caged anticipation for October when we will once again chase glory.
Until then, the Intern is on vacation.
HRs: The Game: 3, Dr Big Dick: 2, Country Club: 1, Cutz: 1, Lothario: 1, KATFISH GLOBAL: 1, Starfish: 1, Nor'Easter: 1
"Death From Below"