Salary  •  July 18th, 2020

THE WASTELANDS – The Hearts of War.

The Hearts of War.

The Hearts of War.

“Give us some more!”  the crowd would roar,

for those god damned

Hearts of war.

THE DIRT. Game one. The Hearts come out on fire - a first inning perfectly tailored Silky Dong that augmented a small ball barrage which included a trip from Hot Tub so blatant in its foreshadowing that if it were a script written by Country Club, Shonda Rhimes would buy it right on the spot. That opening inning 5 run dick stomp of the Diamonds was all the Hearts needed. The Glass Cutters could never recover even with a two run Ibis Remover from the Talented Mr Cutz.

Post game Starfish, his first bottle of Rose packed neatly past his duodenum slurs,  “6-1 to match our odds that you fucks gave us. Merry Christmas.”


Across the white lines the Clubs and the Spades titted for tat after Clubs’ Motorboat set the tempo by rocketing his first ever Weed Tickler off his very first at bat. Later, a blast for the Clubs from the big ole stickball penis of the Phallically Gifted Medicine Man, a frisky pair of ding dongs for the Spades from Boogie Joe and Kat Daddy and finally Lee Travino’s Greatest Student ordered up a home plate special- after which Lothario and Salary robbed two would be didgeree dongs from the Spades. The game stayed tight  until the two Smash Brothers  put the game out of reaching the sixth  and seventh innings, securing the Clubs a trip to the winners bracket to face those god damned Hearts of War.

It was about that time that Pantera Rossa ingested his shaman-fungus.

Round 2.

Hearts vs Clubs in the winner’s bracket

Diamonds vs Spades in the loser’s bracket

A nicely buzzed Starfish got to work in The Dirt from the jump, slapping his only Space Jammer of the tournament in the first inning- a two run affair which would prove to be all his god Damned Hearts of War would need once the trade winds started to blow stiff. The Clubs, faced with a defense no man can overcome, certainly couldn’t and they walked off the Dirt scoreless ad owning a tournament record of 1-1, while Rose Canseco uncorked bottle number two, and Dishpan, Hot Tub, Country Club, and Silky enjoyed some well-earned tube steaks cooked up by the the Spades, aka The 0-2 Hot Dog Brigade who got spanked by a Cutz lead barrage of bing bongs over on the weeds.

Semi Final Round

Baby Boi looked at the squad of Clubbers and thought to himself while scratching his curls - we better play some small ball to have a shot with these fellas. And he was dead right. Placing the Clubs back on the Dirt was a strategic gem for the Diamonds, and what resulted was one of the worst games of stickball ever played. Save for a fence hopper from Cuts AKA The Diamond Cutter himself, the offense was non existent. And while Starf chugged his third bottle of the cheap n pink, his eyes squinted in satisfaction at seeing the Clubs sent to the hot dog tent.

The finals then, were a re-match of the opening round, the Hearts and the Diamonds, though this time the Diamonds would need to scrape together two victories in order to take home the Salesman, a subsidized trip to Rosarito, and a wad of $500 to be handed out to a charity of their choice.

Running the same playbook, on the run-robbing field that had secured their victories to this point, the Diamonds and Hearts slogged through a boner-killer of a game that went into the bottom of the ninth tied 0-0. Thanks to a dropped ball from Country Club, and a couple wonky opposite field hits that eluded Hot Tub, the Diamonds managed to punch in one run to force a decisive game two.

For the incoming tourney favorites, a game on the weeds was fraught. On one hand, they had Dong Robber and his apprentice, Party Platter, the only two proven dong revokers in YFSLA, on the other, the only loss they’d taken this entire tournament came at the hands of the Hearts on this very field.

While the rest the vanquished field pounded red hots and tequila, the Diamonds and Hearts returned to where their championship dreams started. In the final game though, the buttholes of all involved had clenched, unlike that of Sals who earlier made his own deposit in the weeds.

The game remained scoreless again until the 7th when Dong Robber finally jacked a See-You-Later-James-Spader to put the tourney favorite Diamonds up 1-0.

After a scoreless 8th the Hearts were pumping. Down to their last at bat, Dishpan spat on his gloves, dug in his nikes, and cranked a fuzzy over the cement barriers. But as he tells it, the moment he hit that sucker, he had an ominous feeling. All he or anyone on the field could do was watch as Dong Robber did what Dong Robber lives to do. He robbed Dom’s Dong- then he went full X-Pac of Degeneration X, jumping on the cement barrier and delivered at least two very saucy crotch chops. After the fact when asked about that moment, Dishpan eloquently demurred “He told us to suck it, and rightfully so.”

Next up was Hot Tub, who had been a triple machine all day, but found himself with two outs and two strikes against him. It was in this moment that the Shroom Shaman himself, Pantera Rosa decided to bestow some cosmic advice on hitting and life, as he had done all day.

Pantera shambled up to Hot Tub, with lit cigarette in hand, and offered something like “Hey man, it’s stickball, remember in life there are heroes and there are legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and the world will be your oyster.”

To which Dom and the rest of the Hearts replied simultaneously, “FUCK OFF PANTERA.”

But not Hot Tub. The soft spoken assassin who had been dutifully chugging away all day looked beyond the idiocy of Pantera’s words, and saw their true meaning.

He stepped into the box, gripped his stick, and as the ball floated in he felt the words of Pantera in his bones. He swung, perhaps eyes closed, and connected, sending a majestic rocket into the beyond that neither Dong Robber nor Party Platter could ensnare. The game was tied. And the Diamonds did not answer, sending the game to extra innings.

Fully charged off his heroics, Hot Tub stepped to the plate in the 10th again. He knew it could be done, knew it had to be done, knew the world wanted it, and so he jacked his second Shaman-Pleaser in the put his beloved Hearts up one run. Dong Robber though, ever the competitor, refused to let his Diamonds go quietly into the night, and answered with his own Container Clearer to tie things up and send it to the 11th.

In the 11th the Hearts of War pumped their blood all over the Diamonds when Country Club joined the boy scout jamboree with a Send-it-to-Fresno of his own while Silky added an apple to the barrel, putting the Hearts up by three and the Diamonds on notice.

Cutz knew something had to be done. Even though he was clinically dehydrated and looked like rush Limbaugh after a sex safari in the Sahara, he stepped up to the plate, mustered his man juice, and cranked his tourney leading 5th bomb of the day to set the tone in the 12th for the Diamonds. Unfortunately though, they couldn’t capitalize on a dropped ball from Dishpan that put a runner on third and the tying run at the plate, as they popped out to end the game - victory to the Hearts.

The celebration was tasteful while the rest of the YFSLA boys looked on, Like a pack of convicts watching the warden kiss his wife goodnight, hungry and wistful that the Salesman would not be gracing their apartments that night or in the coming year. Cuz handed out his prized championship T-shirts to the victors and then, in a cruel play of irony, donned the loser shirt he had mad and earned for himself even with 5 bombs on the day. 

In short order Hot Tub was named unanimous MVP for his big time hitting, vaulting his name into the pantheon of YFSLA greats, and soon after the TTFBs reconvened at Motorboats for ice cream and a rehash of the day’s and season’s events.

The battle tested Hearts will now go forward to represent the YFSLA in the Galactics next spring along with a $500 travel stipend for the tournament, as well as $500 to be donated to their charity of choice. God bless. 

And nobody got Coronavirus.

The Hearts of War.

The Hearts of War.

The Hearts of War.

“Give us some more!” the crowd would roar,

for those god damned

Hearts of war.





POST SEASON DONGS: Cutz 5, Hot Tub 2, Silky 2, Dr. Big Dick 2, Dong Robber 2, Boogie Joe 2, Pantera Rosa 2, Katfish 1, Golf Shotz 1, Motorboat 1, Country Club 1, Rosé Canseco 1

Post Season Robberies: Dong Robber 1, Lothario 1, EZ-UP 1

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