Salary • July 15th, 2020
THE SPADES OF CONQUEST, 7:1
Pantera Rosa
Katfish
EZ UP
Deadliest Catch
Boogie Joe The Grinder
The Conquistadors pose plenty of questions, and a legitimate threat to the field. Given his championship pedigree (galactics, Blue Grey, YFSLA, DSS) any team featuring the most decorated Stickballer in all of stickballdom, Katfish, must be recognized. Of course it all depends on the quality of adderal available in the high desert these days, but with a direct connect to the pure stuff in the closet of Joshua Tree Medical Center, you can bet K-daddy will be as focused as the Griffith Observatory telescope come the 18th. As for the remaining conquistadors, EZ Up has proven his big-players-make-big-plays-in-big-situations bonafides and will no doubt be in his own state of higher consciousness he often visits to commune with the gods and goddesses of stickball glory. Pantera Rosa has also come up clutch as of late, and his improved hitting and fielding will no doubt shore up both sides of the infield, along with the stalwart defense of Deadliest Catch. Major questions remain however- chiefily in the ability of both Deadliest Catch and Pantera to manufacture much needed base runners for the biggest pregunta de los Conquistadores - Boogie Joe the Grinder. While he has proven before his ability to absolutely mash taters like a southern grandma at thanksgiving, his extended absence from play, as well as a lack of a female audience can’t help but cause the oddsmakers to question whether he’ll be able to recapture his line drive drive. Any team in this draw is dangerous, but for the Spades to conquer the field, they’ll need to answer these questions as well as the bell.
Bonus question: Who the hell pitches for this squad?
THE HEARTS OF WAR, 6:1
Country Club
Dishpan Deal
Silky
Starfish
Hot Tub
The Warmongers have a hill to climb. Make no mistake. While Dishpan has become a swat happy juggernaut in the Weeds and even a room temperature Silky is tastier than most other stickball offerings, the injured Starfish and the absent Country Club leaves the Rookie Jake to shoulder a not insignificant portion of the Hearts’ run production. Of course when you have the Dishpan serving up his hot n spicy home-cooked meatballs right over home plate, it helps the situation, and the deal will have silk tossing his gossamer floaters, so there’s hope here. But the fact remains, the rook Hot Tub has to account for the rust of his other teammates, is it fair to ask so much of a first year swinger? Perhaps not- not one person ever claimed that mistress stickball was anything but a fair temptress. The Hearts will have to show plenty of it, digging deep into their nether regions to mine for every ounce of grit needed to survive the double elimination gauntlet that lays ahead.
THE DIAMONDS OF DEATH, 3: 1
Cutz
Baby Boi
Party Platter
Dong Robber
JEFF
Casual fans may be surprised to see the Death Merchants atop the odds heap. But for anyone who has been frequenting the Wastelands of late, it’s clear that no team has more momentum going into The End than these grim reapers. A lineup that contains 5 legit dong threats, as well as consistent hitting, BOTH of YFSLAs home run snatchers in Dong Robber (the king of the great beyond) and the rook, Party Platter (his remorse for his home run robberies only serves to make him more engaging to the fans- he doesn’t want to rob dongs, but he must), and excellent fielding from everyone but the overly muscular handed JEFF, makes this team an all around threat up and down all day. The only possible hole? Pitching. And even there it’s not terrible- Dong Robber delivers the soft serve and when he’s not throwing wild pitches, Baby Boi puts them where the bats are. These Diamonds are ready to shine.
THE CLUBS OF HUNGER, 4:1
Salary
Dr BD
Motorboat
Golf Shotz
Lothario
The initial exclamation point has turned into a question mark for the Hungry Men. On the day of the draw, the entire universe shuddered to see both Dr Big Dick and Golf Shotz on the same lineup. Not since Godzilla and Mothra teamed up has there been a more intimidating twosome. But fate has dealt the Clubs an interesting hand. Due to unforeseen circumstances, the vaunted Shotz has been absent from the Wastelands. In the past, a furlough from the field has proven unpredictable for the big swinger. Sometimes it matters not, sometimes the gears fail to click into place. Having the insurance of a double elimination helps. As for Doctor Big Dick, he’s been on a tear more prolific than off court Wilt Chamberlain circa 1966. And Salary has proven to be a solid run contributor as of late, owing to a revamped swing and several nearly-over-priced visualization seminars with Phil Jackson and Tony Robbins. All three can field, all three can pitch. The absent Motorboat, also a product of unforeseen circumstances as well as Lothario’s lack of presence do cause pause though. Traditionally, Lothario delivers deep field power and top-notch fielding, but neither have played on the Weeds as of this writing, making their comfort level on this terra-uninformd-a an unknown. It being a hitter friendly field, one would think the Big L will be able to swing his swing, but again, the lack of data leads only to conjecture. Will their hunger for glory be satiated, or will they just turn up hangry?
The stakes this season are the highest they’ve been in YFSLA history - not only is temporary custody of the Salesman on the line, not only is a trip to the Galactics to represent the Tinsel Town Fun Boys against the rest of the YFS universe, but also a purse of $1000 to be divided in two- $500 going to the charity of choice for the winning team and $500 to go towards their travel funds to the Galactics.
The End is nigh. But who will achieve nirvana, and who will meet their demise? Only time knows.